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The Lost Race: Part One

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:16 pm    Post subject: The Lost Race: Part One Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Lost Race: Part One
Posted by Imperorator_Jon (darthbalfy@yahoo.com)
4 August 2006, 10:24 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Imperorator_0804061024371.html
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan

PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, good formatting. Kind of confusing/repetitive language in that part in the middle where the "past rivals" appear. Looking forward to the next, 8/10
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 11:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm sorry I overlooked this at first. This deserves much more attention than it has garnered thus far.

Overall, this was quite a good chapter. Obviously, it was introductory and little was revealed, but it was mostly well written and very well presented. You painted a vivid picture of the colony, beautiful in a rustic, country sort of way. In Eric, you have created a potentially likeable and deep character fitting of a good story.

The mysterious element was well played. The hidden ship was presented in an intriguing manner, vague enough pique the interest of the reader as to their true nature. Who are they? What feelings of enmity do they have for the Covenant, and why? I look forward to discovering the answer.

I do have some complaints. I did not pick up any spelling errors, but some sentences were somewhat off or cumbersome. For example:

Quote:
The base was well stocked, with mechanics in greasy overalls.


This was like a half-finished sentence; as it is, it sounds weird. You should have elaborated by saying, "...with mechanics in greasy overalls keeping them maintained" or something probably more elegant.

Quote:
but he had off tomorrow and a good night's rest


Tomorrow off.

Quote:
Yet it still came in clear to all the colonists, they all had to head to the ancient "invasion" bunkers, set up when the UNSC they considered separate from was under threat by rebels.


This sentence was just cumbersome and needed to be revised.

Quote:
This hidden ship watched as it's long-time rival entered into the system, exiting from the confusing void of Slipstream, their long-time rivals began to close upon the Humans the ship so closely studied.


Also cumbersome, with "long-time rivals" repeated back to back.

Overall, though, this was very good. You have a good writing style and have set up what I expect will be a very interesting and unique plot. Just review it a little more next time and look out for sentence structure errors and this will be really great.

Hope you get some more reviews. Keep it up.

- Arthur
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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 578
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 11:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where have you been 'Nosolee? =O

I think I'll update this post later on, or post a commentary. Right now I'm a tad busy. Razz
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
Posts: 97
Location: Moop?

PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked Leave for three seconds and get three reviews. Yiiiikes. I thank you all for your reviews, and I am underway in writing chapter two.

Ahh, where to begin? The race, I've had interesting ideas with them, they essentially can be considered a race quite opposite of the Covenant. I won't give any spoilers, but keep an eye out for strange happenings.

As for the colony, yeah, it's pretty much a rural setting, never touched by real war, forgotten and left to thrive without an oppresive goverment to breathe down it's neck. It acts free and keeps a steady law via the well-enforced garrison of Marines. Eric, being one of them, is given pretty much free reign like the rest of the Marines. They are given loose control, and are like regular people, just keeping the piece from time to time.

As for Eric himself, he has many facets, seeing plenty of things in his early life. He can be a very useful person in the plot, and I plan on having even more characters added in. *insert evil laughter* Chapter two is underway!
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 09, 2006 5:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh I've been around, here, there, everywhere Wink

Out of pure curiosity, (and I know this isn't the place to do this, my apologies) how does one become and "Old Skooler"? What are the qualifications?
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To be an Old Skooler, you must have posted a story here more than two years ago. I'm all for having a Grizzled Ancients tag for four years, but I doubt it'll happen.

Back on topic...

I really liked it, although the ending seemed a bit like you meant to write one more sentence before the chapter ended. It just kind of broke off in the middle. I look forward to chapter two.

Edit: Oops, bad mine. There already is a topic about the Old Skooler tag.
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SPARTAN 117
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Joined: 12 Aug 2006
Posts: 20
Location: Texas

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keep up the good work, I liked it.
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, let's get down to it. You have quite a knack for writing it seems, but there's still a lot to be worked on. I'm going to point out most of your mistakes and then tell you what I liked, so don't get too scared just yet. Wink

Quote:
The marine thought to himself, giving a relaxed sigh at the calming sunset, his green eyes watching the slowly setting sun. He merely smiled, his dark, slicked-back hair absorbing the sunlight.


You repeated the word 'sun' - in one variation or another - a bit too much for my liking. This was a problem for the first couple of paragraphs.

Quote:
He took a sip from the recyclable can, his eyes watching the calming sun set, it always helped him to relax when he watched the sun set


You see what I mean, repetition isn't good. Twisted Evil

Quote:
He knew it would be another nice day in his paradise.


This man must really love being a Marine. Wink

Quote:
...yet that feeling was soon replaced by years of programmed training that kicked in,


The bolded words are not necessary.

Another thing, it seems as though you're capitilizing some words and then not capitilizing them later on, or vise versa (for example, 'humans').

Quote:
The small planet had a decent-sized army of Marines for defending against Rebels, which they almost never see.


Should be 'saw', that's an example of a tense change.

Other than this, not bad - lots of your sentences are awkward and only decently-constructed. There was more than one time where I had to look back and read the paragraph again just to make sure I read it right.

Fortunately, your spelling is top-notch, and your punctuation is pretty well-done too.

One last gripe is the length, this went from laid-back to action way too quickly. Before I knew it an alarm was ringing and dozens of Marines were rushing to the city to defend it - what does the city look like? What planet are they on? Is it hot there? Covering small stuff like that can be a lifesaver.

On to the next one.
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