HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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The Lost Race: Part One
Posted by Imperorator_Jon (darthbalfy@yahoo.com)
4 August 2006, 10:24 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Imperorator_0804061024371.html

['Nosolee]

Pretty good, good formatting. Kind of confusing/repetitive language in that part in the middle where the "past rivals" appear. Looking forward to the next, 8/10

[Arthur Wellesley]

I'm sorry I overlooked this at first. This deserves much more attention than it has garnered thus far.

Overall, this was quite a good chapter. Obviously, it was introductory and little was revealed, but it was mostly well written and very well presented. You painted a vivid picture of the colony, beautiful in a rustic, country sort of way. In Eric, you have created a potentially likeable and deep character fitting of a good story.

The mysterious element was well played. The hidden ship was presented in an intriguing manner, vague enough pique the interest of the reader as to their true nature. Who are they? What feelings of enmity do they have for the Covenant, and why? I look forward to discovering the answer.

I do have some complaints. I did not pick up any spelling errors, but some sentences were somewhat off or cumbersome. For example:

[Syotica]

Where have you been 'Nosolee? =O

I think I'll update this post later on, or post a commentary. Right now I'm a tad busy.

[Imperorator_Jon]

Leave for three seconds and get three reviews. Yiiiikes. I thank you all for your reviews, and I am underway in writing chapter two.

Ahh, where to begin? The race, I've had interesting ideas with them, they essentially can be considered a race quite opposite of the Covenant. I won't give any spoilers, but keep an eye out for strange happenings.

As for the colony, yeah, it's pretty much a rural setting, never touched by real war, forgotten and left to thrive without an oppresive goverment to breathe down it's neck. It acts free and keeps a steady law via the well-enforced garrison of Marines. Eric, being one of them, is given pretty much free reign like the rest of the Marines. They are given loose control, and are like regular people, just keeping the piece from time to time.

As for Eric himself, he has many facets, seeing plenty of things in his early life. He can be a very useful person in the plot, and I plan on having even more characters added in. *insert evil laughter* Chapter two is underway!

['Nosolee]

Oh I've been around, here, there, everywhere

Out of pure curiosity, (and I know this isn't the place to do this, my apologies) how does one become and "Old Skooler"? What are the qualifications?

[Azathoth]

To be an Old Skooler, you must have posted a story here more than two years ago. I'm all for having a Grizzled Ancients tag for four years, but I doubt it'll happen.

Back on topic...

I really liked it, although the ending seemed a bit like you meant to write one more sentence before the chapter ended. It just kind of broke off in the middle. I look forward to chapter two.

Edit: Oops, bad mine. There already is a topic about the Old Skooler tag.

[SPARTAN 117]

Keep up the good work, I liked it.

[CoLd BlooDed]

Alright, let's get down to it. You have quite a knack for writing it seems, but there's still a lot to be worked on. I'm going to point out most of your mistakes and then tell you what I liked, so don't get too scared just yet.