HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Recce, Chapter Two

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:15 pm    Post subject: Recce, Chapter Two Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Recce, Chapter Two
Posted by Zombie (kolin013@hotmail.com)
3 August 2006, 3:24 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zombie0803060324101.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To the good old days.

You have a very nice series here. Some good originality compounded by mystery. The dialogue is fast-paced and charged with energy, especially with the realistic military lingo. The action sequences, too, worked quite well.

However, I felt it all could have been slowed down a notch so that we may gain a greater understanding of the characters and the context of the story. While I like to delve perhaps too deeply into such things, I thought the description to action ratio was too low.

Also, the military lingo, while it certainly had to effect of putting you in the moment, was a bit overwhelming and distracting. Being unacquainted with the finer points of army-speak myself, things like ROE and SIT REP had me feeling like I was being left out of the conversation. Consider providing more explanation, reducing its frequency, or a little bit of both.

Lastly, and this is only a small and petty gripe, I thought this a little strange:

Quote:
These damned screens were extremely inefficient and even after so many complaints; the Marine Corps were still using them.


Quote:
She carried Dagmar's massive field radio, which was giving off a faint hiss of static.


I tell ya, 550 years in the future and they still can't make proper equipment! Seriously, though, I thought these particular details odd.

Anyway, overall, great work, Shade. I look forward to where you take this. Hopefully the mysterious enemy will be unmasked...

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Zombie
Member


Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 24
Location: Raccoon City

PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

cheers sir, thanks for the feedback, I will do my best to fix these issues.

for the record, ROE means rules of engagement and SIT REP means situation report. Recce is the short form of Reconaissance.

and i guess the reason i put faulty equipment in is because when you are on a mission such as Dagmar and his team, you don't necessarily go in with top of the line gear, just the stuff that gets the job done without having to carry too much. and of course, the canadian armed forces have the shittiest radios and night vision, so it's just natural that i give these guys crap equipment.

thanks again, more feedback like this would be awesome.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Azrael
Member


Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 7:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I apologize, I just got into LA and I will get around to this hopefully by the next update. I'm sure it's excellent.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group