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Halo: Ark of the Covenant

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:15 pm    Post subject: Halo: Ark of the Covenant Reply with quote
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Halo: Ark of the Covenant
Posted by Aleks Gingras (haloaleks@hotmail.com)
3 August 2006, 1:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Aleks_Gingra0803060100541.html
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 2:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Wow, what a cheerful greeting to welcome me when I come back from my break. Sheesh.

[/sarcasm]

Beginning was pretty rocky at best. Peaceful - so let's see peaceful. Show, don't tell. What was going on in that peaceful scene? Just a bunch of grass waving? Birds chirping? People sleeping?

I didn't make it far in this one after this line.

Quote:
engine pulled him out of the ship snapping his tether and dragging him out into imminent death. "Christ, not another one," a marine groaned, "my best friend, too."


Not sure whether to laugh or snort at that. You need to work on it, dude.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
It wasn't as bad as some of the stuff I've seen around here, but Dave was right. It was rocky. It lacked flow and seemed very rushed in some places. There were quite a few GPS errors. Finally, it was longer than the norm. I would have broken it into four or maybe five chapters.

That said, the plot wasn't too bad. The main problem was that you stayed on some plot points for a couple of paragraphs and some for just a sentence. I would like to read some more stories by you, but you may want to take your time on them.
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 122
Location: Singapore
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2006 2:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
You have a lack of realism. Two burst is able to kill a elite? Machine gun can take down tanks in seconds? I don't think so.
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Ah, yeah, ok... not too badly written actually. You could possibly indent after characters' speech so it flows more smoothly. And yeah, I have seen a LOT worse, at least this story's still quite entertaining.

Plus, like someone earlier mentioned, perhaps you could submit it as separate chapters so it's not such a long read. And try avoiding writing each incident as big chunky paragraphs, it interrupts the flow of the story.

Otherwise, not bad!
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