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Education: Chapter IV of IV

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 11:59 am    Post subject: Education: Chapter IV of IV Reply with quote

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Education: Chapter IV of IV
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
28 July 2006, 3:28 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath0728060328571.html
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Azathoth
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

O-ho! Not the last chapter, eh? Someone didn't plan out his story properly! NOW THE INFIDEL MUST BE IMMOLATED!

Or not. Good chapter. Good enough that I will leave you alive until I see the next! WORK, SLAVE!

Excellent. Linda, possibly still alive? Interesting. Unless the Brutes just killed her...stupid apes.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 2:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha.... Right through the last four chapters I've chucked lots and lots of loose ends in that I can tie in as I please, or I can go "oh, unsolved mysteries. When you know why 343GS hums but never sings I'll tell you the answers". Hah.
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mr bill
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
He felt like Neo in The Matrix.


Oddly enough, after just reading the Mary-Sue test I think you deserve a 15 point penalty.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 7:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"At one time. Several days ago, one reported to Robert that their base had been infiltrated and almost everyone slaughtered." Robert was talking then, so I take it you meant Michael, the dead boy. Second thing I noticed was the last paragraph of the first section, where you had 'once more' in two sentences, one following the other. It just seemed to throw it off balance a bit.

Don't get me wrong, the story was up to the standard you've already set, it's just that without nitpicking, where would we be Smile And I'm not sure about the period following the elipses (...) in the dialogue, that just seemed different to me.

But the ending... that's a big 'What the...' from my corner, what the bloody hell happened then? Keep writing. Now!
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 9:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello. Well, the Neo in the Matrix thing is in fact really the whole plot of my other (unfinished, of course) series "Biological Storage" ... or part of it. I haven't given up for it yet. And I guess those errors you found are right, Wolf. I wrote this in a hurry ... correction, I typed this up in a hurry. Thanks for the heads up. (He fell asleep in the end of the chapter.)

Btw, the forum allows profile pics now?
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed, verily and yes. Teh awsumz.
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 26, 2006 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's one crazy day at school. I like this chapter, but you need more! Smile
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