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Cordero's Nightmare (III)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:40 am    Post subject: Cordero's Nightmare (III) Reply with quote

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Cordero's Nightmare (III)
Posted by Nosolee (crugg2005@gmail.com)
21 July 2006, 1:43 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Nosolee0721060143211.html
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thedarkfire
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 8:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nos, that was just straight brutal. Pure, unadulturated hate in a page and a half.

jees dude.
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, man, what happened? That was a text wall of doom. But I still liked the fight with the Kig-Yar.
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Last edited by Johny117 on Mon Jul 24, 2006 11:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Dr Sky Tower
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nasty, but still good! Story could've been a little longer though.

And I sure felt sorry for the poor Jackal...
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Matthiasthe14th
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome! I could really feel Cordero's anger and hate toward the jackal. Now he's powerful, merciless, and evil... Well, sorta. He did what he had to do, to be sure. Very cool!
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quite good, but it was a text wall of doom and there needs to be improvements for your grammer.
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Kalexon
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy crap dude, that's kind of savage. Still good but wow, talk about a violent ending for the Jackal.
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just got back from vacation.

Out of curiosity, how was that a text wall of doom? Where does the grammar need improvement? Things like this'll help in commenting.

THanks for the positive feedback though. [/i]
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 9:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chiajy wrote:
Quite good, but it was a text wall of doom and there needs to be improvements for your grammer.

Ok, sorry for no details. Firstly, If you compare you're stories with other stories, you'lll realise that your stories and cramped together with no air space. Secondly,
Quote:
Cordero shuddered. Cordero was enraged now,
Why the use of Cordero in repitition? It is my mistake to use the word grammer but there are some parts that, although good, could have done better.
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the feedback. So do you suggest that I seperate each paragraph with a a space?
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Dr Sky Tower
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

Ok, sorry for no details. Firstly, If you compare you're stories with other stories, you'lll realise that your stories and cramped together with no air space.


Mwahahaha! I do not understand the context of this comment either! I see nothing wrong with the indents in your paragraphs! Plus I wouldn't go nitpicking on teeny weeny minor details such as a character's name Laughing
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dr Sky Tower wrote:
Quote:

Ok, sorry for no details. Firstly, If you compare you're stories with other stories, you'lll realise that your stories and cramped together with no air space.


Mwahahaha! I do not understand the context of this comment either! I see nothing wrong with the indents in your paragraphs! Plus I wouldn't go nitpicking on teeny weeny minor details such as a character's name Laughing


Sry, sometimes, i just rush into saying something and then find teeny stuff to prove my point so as not to get embarrassed....well, sorry then...but the fact really remains tha your fanfic still looks cramped... Confused Embarassed
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No worries, thanks. Wink
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
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Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Plus I wouldn't go nitpicking on teeny weeny minor details such as a character's name Laughing


It's not the name thats a problem, but the fact that he used it twice so close together. It's better to call him something else if you are referring to him twice inside ten words.

Great story, even if it was a TWoD.
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