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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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 Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 8:38 pm Post subject: |
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Nos, that was just straight brutal. Pure, unadulturated hate in a page and a half.
jees dude. |
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Johny117
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Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 118
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| Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, man, what happened? That was a text wall of doom. But I still liked the fight with the Kig-Yar.
_________________
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon
Last edited by Johny117 on Mon Jul 24, 2006 11:27 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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| Posted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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Nasty, but still good! Story could've been a little longer though.
And I sure felt sorry for the poor Jackal... |
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Matthiasthe14th
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Joined: 25 Dec 2005
Posts: 126
Location: Je m'en fiche.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 1:31 am Post subject: |
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| Awesome! I could really feel Cordero's anger and hate toward the jackal. Now he's powerful, merciless, and evil... Well, sorta. He did what he had to do, to be sure. Very cool! |
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 122
Location: Singapore
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| Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 2:26 am Post subject: |
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| Quite good, but it was a text wall of doom and there needs to be improvements for your grammer. |
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Kalexon
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Joined: 13 Jul 2006
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 11:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Holy crap dude, that's kind of savage. Still good but wow, talk about a violent ending for the Jackal. |
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan
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| Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 3:04 am Post subject: |
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Just got back from vacation.
Out of curiosity, how was that a text wall of doom? Where does the grammar need improvement? Things like this'll help in commenting.
THanks for the positive feedback though. [/i] |
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 122
Location: Singapore
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| Posted: Wed Aug 02, 2006 9:43 am Post subject: |
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| Chiajy wrote: | | Quite good, but it was a text wall of doom and there needs to be improvements for your grammer. |
Ok, sorry for no details. Firstly, If you compare you're stories with other stories, you'lll realise that your stories and cramped together with no air space. Secondly, | Quote: | | Cordero shuddered. Cordero was enraged now, |
Why the use of Cordero in repitition? It is my mistake to use the word grammer but there are some parts that, although good, could have done better. |
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan
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| Posted: Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the feedback. So do you suggest that I seperate each paragraph with a a space? |
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Dr Sky Tower
Member
Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
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| Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2006 3:12 am Post subject: |
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Ok, sorry for no details. Firstly, If you compare you're stories with other stories, you'lll realise that your stories and cramped together with no air space. |
Mwahahaha! I do not understand the context of this comment either! I see nothing wrong with the indents in your paragraphs! Plus I wouldn't go nitpicking on teeny weeny minor details such as a character's name  |
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 122
Location: Singapore
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| Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Dr Sky Tower wrote: | | Quote: |
Ok, sorry for no details. Firstly, If you compare you're stories with other stories, you'lll realise that your stories and cramped together with no air space. |
Mwahahaha! I do not understand the context of this comment either! I see nothing wrong with the indents in your paragraphs! Plus I wouldn't go nitpicking on teeny weeny minor details such as a character's name |
Sry, sometimes, i just rush into saying something and then find teeny stuff to prove my point so as not to get embarrassed....well, sorry then...but the fact really remains tha your fanfic still looks cramped...   |
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan
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| Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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No worries, thanks.  |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Sat Aug 05, 2006 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Plus I wouldn't go nitpicking on teeny weeny minor details such as a character's name |
It's not the name thats a problem, but the fact that he used it twice so close together. It's better to call him something else if you are referring to him twice inside ten words.
Great story, even if it was a TWoD. |
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