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A dream? Or a premonition?

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 11:38 am    Post subject: A dream? Or a premonition? Reply with quote

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A dream? Or a premonition?
Posted by Spartan 1337 (barry__boy@hotmail.com)
17 July 2006, 5:15 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_13370717061715351.html
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Fri Jul 21, 2006 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, despite it's generic plot, this one didn't crash and burn. It didn't really take off, though, either. It kinda sat on the runway with engine problems and oil leaking from its fuselage.

Before I get into the dirty stuff, I'll commend you for separating paragraphs. Too many new people nowadays leave the story in a solid chunk, which proceeds to give everyone a headache. You can format your writing further by using the Code (click the link in my sig).

Now let's get to the writing. At first, it seemed alright. Not good, but not brain-achingly horrible. It was simple and to the point. However, as the story continued, it became too simple. More things started taking place and you kept on describing them with one or two sentences. I was about halfway through the story when I suddenly realized I had no idea what I was supposed to be envisioning. You need to focus more on giving details about the area instead of suddenly charging into battle with guns blazing and blood spattering. Halo needs a story too. It can't just be mindless action. You had a story at first, but once the kid was zapped into Halo it really had no relevance at all. I will give you that fairly cool ending, though.

Also, "Pwn some n00b Covenant ass, Chief."? Come on, even you know Cortana wouldn't say that. Razz
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