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The Wraiths Chapter 3 (Part two of three) Tour

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 2:50 pm    Post subject: The Wraiths Chapter 3 (Part two of three) Tour Reply with quote

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The Wraiths Chapter 3 (Part two of three) Tour
Posted by Wiley Kimball (DarkTemplar343@aol.com)
21 July 2004, 7:18 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wiley_kimbal.0721041918284.html
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Wado
The Hammer


Joined: 26 Jul 2004
Posts: 320

PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 10:00 pm    Post subject: Good job Reply with quote

I really like the first part of the story, it flowed nicely, although I question the effectiveness of 600 year old weapons used in space.

In fact I think you did a great job with the story, especially since you did not seem to rush events, you let the story tell itself and unfold for the reader.

My only complaint is near the end, around the second assassination attempt of the Covenant leader. That felt much more rushed. I think you could have ended this chapter of the story just after meeting the Covenant leader for the first time and the story would have not only been shorter but also not as rushed at the end. But that is just my opinion.

Keep up the great writing, I'm glad I read your story.
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Sgt. Slacker
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea..now that I'm reading it again i see what you mean. I'll try not to do anything liek that in the future.

as for 600 year old weapons..well..your right..in SPACE they wouldnt be very useful..but these guys won't be going into space Laughing

Thanks for your positive/constructive criticism, oh benevolent HBO FF god!
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romac1991
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 22
Location: Japan

PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 8:08 am    Post subject: yup Reply with quote

Jeez, that was a wonderful story! Wish I could write like that! Keep it up!


10/10
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 4:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guns... Lots of guns...

I think I know where this is going....

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Sgt. Slacker
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dave..you think a lot of guns now, just wait until teyre being used inall-out-balls-to-the-wall combat. HEhe..im going to have fun writing about Oso and his chaingun....
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HoZ
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 440
Location: Tyrone, PA (HA I'M POOR)

PostPosted: Thu Aug 19, 2004 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey u had to have read rainbow six Oso vega lol
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2004 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey man, Rainbow Six rocks! Along with Tom Clancy, by the way.

Well, I'll admit this is the first chapter of this series that I have read, so I was a bit in wonderment about why everybody was where and such. But ah, it seams MAP has some competition in this field of writing. I'll like to see how you take the story, cause so far MAP hasn't used MC yet.
Speaking of that: well, the story was good. Well written, and such. I do share Wado's little thing about the 600 year old weapons. I think you wshoud have come up with a new model, but you could have based it upon the DE. Also, yes, it did seemed rushed a bit there when they were leaving the Covie ship.
There were a few bits of personalities that didn't sound all the away right to me, but it was ok for now.

Overall, all I can say is keep working hard and dishing out the goodness.
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-MCC
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