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Operation: Burning Fury, Prologue: Settling the Score

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:57 pm    Post subject: Operation: Burning Fury, Prologue: Settling the Score Reply with quote

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Operation: Burning Fury, Prologue: Settling the Score
Posted by Spartan 006 (minorchief@yahoo.com)
14 July 2006, 1:56 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_0060714060156421.html
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Realism is lacking. Experimental? Who uses an experimental bomb in a real battlefield? And an important mission too. And a fleet to glass an entire planet won't be so close that if the fleet explodes the planet will be damaged. Work on it.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chiajy wrote:
Realism is lacking. Experimental? Who uses an experimental bomb in a real battlefield? And an important mission too. And a fleet to glass an entire planet won't be so close that if the fleet explodes the planet will be damaged. Work on it.
The fact is that the bomb wasn't experimental, but that this was the first mission that it was used on. That was entirely my bad. The fact that the planet was damaged in the explosion isn't because of the distance of the Covenant fleet, but was because of the size of the explosion. I'll try better on the next one, and I should probably include that this story is setting up to be a crossover with my Squad47 series. Thanks for the post, Chiajy. Very Happy
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Work on your coding, also. You shouldn't indent everything.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 12:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's just proper grammar, Syotica. Indent paragraphs.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're both right. I think Sy was just saying that the constant indenting made it harder to read. That's quite a bit of one-sentence per character dialogue. Try fleshing the conversation out a bit more so that each character is speaking more than one sentence, or put some descriptors to make the paragraphs bigger.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love dialouge. Seriously, I love it. It makes me happy, keeps me warm at night, instead of sugar plums dancing in my head, witty banter does the tango. You tried hard, but fell short in my opinion.

First off, I forgive that this chapter is ENTIRELY action. It's a prolouge. This is supposed to grab the reader and beat them into a pulp with energy, intrigue, what have you. However, you do not dedicate anything to showing instead of telling.

Your story went from the setting of a bomb to a hasty escape from its countdown to a meeting with the other Spartans on the mission to what your series may or may not be about. That was a blur.

Give us visuals. Give us a solid look at the bomb. Give us the Spartans armor colors before the end of the chapter. Give us feelings, give us sounds. They knew about Reach? Did that factor into how they felt about the mission? How long was the corridor? What did a hangar full of Covenant look like?

How did they know the Covenant were going to glass the colony? What did the bomb's explosion look like? Answer SOME of these questions.

Right now, I don't care about 006 and 005. I don't want them to live, I don't want them to die, I have NO feeling whatsoever about this. Your job is to MAKE ME CARE. When you're done with this prolouge I want to think "If Shawn dies because of that rotten chick Jen I'm going to throw my laptop."

And finally, dialouge. Dry humor in Spartan dialouge, while it might be pushing it, is fine by me. Make your speakers have color to thier voices. I want to hear it in my head. Read it aloud to yourself. It sounds a little forced, especially the "Do you mind?" To be honest, it sounds like the scripted dialouge of a sub-par video game. And judging from some of your bits in this prolouge, I know you can do better.

Keep at this. TAKE YOUR TIME. Proofread. Rinse, repeat. Rock on.

Cheers,
Az
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