HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Operation: Burning Fury, Prologue: Settling the Score
Posted by Spartan 006 (minorchief@yahoo.com)
14 July 2006, 1:56 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_0060714060156421.html

Chiajy · Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 122 Location: Singapore

Realism is lacking. Experimental? Who uses an experimental bomb in a real battlefield? And an important mission too. And a fleet to glass an entire planet won't be so close that if the fleet explodes the planet will be damaged. Work on it.

Spartan006 · Posted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 10:08 pm Post subject:

Syotica · Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:27 am Post subject:

Work on your coding, also. You shouldn't indent everything.

Spartan006 · Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 12:57 am Post subject:

That's just proper grammar, Syotica. Indent paragraphs.
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Sterfrye36 · Posted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 1:33 am Post subject:

You're both right. I think Sy was just saying that the constant indenting made it harder to read. That's quite a bit of one-sentence per character dialogue. Try fleshing the conversation out a bit more so that each character is speaking more than one sentence, or put some descriptors to make the paragraphs bigger.
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Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

I love dialouge. Seriously, I love it. It makes me happy, keeps me warm at night, instead of sugar plums dancing in my head, witty banter does the tango. You tried hard, but fell short in my opinion.

First off, I forgive that this chapter is ENTIRELY action. It's a prolouge. This is supposed to grab the reader and beat them into a pulp with energy, intrigue, what have you. However, you do not dedicate anything to showing instead of telling.

Your story went from the setting of a bomb to a hasty escape from its countdown to a meeting with the other Spartans on the mission to what your series may or may not be about. That was a blur.

Give us visuals. Give us a solid look at the bomb. Give us the Spartans armor colors before the end of the chapter. Give us feelings, give us sounds. They knew about Reach? Did that factor into how they felt about the mission? How long was the corridor? What did a hangar full of Covenant look like?

How did they know the Covenant were going to glass the colony? What did the bomb's explosion look like? Answer SOME of these questions.

Right now, I don't care about 006 and 005. I don't want them to live, I don't want them to die, I have NO feeling whatsoever about this. Your job is to MAKE ME CARE. When you're done with this prolouge I want to think "If Shawn dies because of that rotten chick Jen I'm going to throw my laptop."

And finally, dialouge. Dry humor in Spartan dialouge, while it might be pushing it, is fine by me. Make your speakers have color to thier voices. I want to hear it in my head. Read it aloud to yourself. It sounds a little forced, especially the "Do you mind?" To be honest, it sounds like the scripted dialouge of a sub-par video game. And judging from some of your bits in this prolouge, I know you can do better.

Keep at this. TAKE YOUR TIME. Proofread. Rinse, repeat. Rock on.

Cheers,
Az
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