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(TEASER) Debo's Spartans: Last Stand at Firebase Gloria

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:57 pm    Post subject: (TEASER) Debo's Spartans: Last Stand at Firebase Gloria Reply with quote

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(TEASER) Debo's Spartans: Last Stand at Firebase Gloria
Posted by Debo (Major_Debo@hotmail.com)
13 July 2006, 8:28 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Debo0713062028481.html
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Marine Corps 117
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2006 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know about you, but personally, posting a "teaser" of a fan fic is unnecessary, and maybe a little unprofessional.

And naming the main character being named after the author always irked me, as if it wasn't a story but a fantasy the author put him or herself into and decided to post it. But that's just me.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Marine Corps 117 wrote:
Quote:
And naming the main character being named after the author always irked me, as if it wasn't a story but a fantasy the author put him or herself into and decided to post it. But that's just me.

I have no problem with that. I like to write using the guys I game with as characters, and that includes me. I have included Chuckles in most of my stories. Strange that it irks you Wink

And since I felt the need to post on this thread, I will post a review within the next day or so.

C.T. Clown
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks pretty good so far. Marine, I've done it before; and I find it perfectly fine to do so. Gets the reader more hyper when the real thing comes out. Wink
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 2:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Teaser" here is a bit of a misnomer. Call it a prolouge and you're set.

As for the name issue, I really don't have a big problem with it, but be consistent if Debo is the name of a Spartan, he better have a number.

You had GPS issues in here as well. Another proofread, or a peer proofread, and you might have had it.

You're starting with a LOT of characters. My Minutemen series have a lot of characters as well, just be mindful that you're going to dedicate time to each of them, the Spartans at the very least. Not EQUAL time, but...well, you get the idea.

Who was the higher rank in the exchange between the pilot and Debo? Should there have been a "sir" or "ma'am" in there? Not sure myself. Just wondering.

"Get the [bleep] off my bird!" Was good. That was a real piece of speech, and I appreciate that.

Exploding into a thousand pieces is a cliche and I KNOW you can do better than that. TAKE YOUR TIME.

Your mood is very no-frills, business-oriented, but don't be afraid to dedicate some time to the inside of a character's mind. Sophia sounds firey, how does SHE feel about the current situation?

This has promise, aside from the usual "Find aliens and eliminate them with extreme prejudice" plotline. PLEASE do something to set your series apart from the pack
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Debo
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all the input, people.

Yeah, about using my name in the story - yes I did because I see a few people do it and sometimes i like to follow the crowd.

GPS - yeah, i never was very good in English Language Arts class. haha... wait no, that's not funny is it. I'll correct that in the final version.

yes this IS a bit of a prolouge. The entire story WAS gonig to be only about 25 pages long... but i've decided to extend it further and have lots more action over the course of a couple of days maybe.

About the rank issues on the pelican - yeah, Debo is Ranking Officer, but he said "Ma'am" JUST because he's a gentleman like that.

Character depth issue - i'm only focusing on a few of the characters to get really in depth with.

also, if none of you knew, most of the characters are modeled after real life entities - my friends.

Expect "Debo's Spartans: Last Stand at Firebase Gloria" to be out within the next month maybe.

THANKS!
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Marine Corps 117
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, about using my name in the story - yes I did because I see a few people do it and sometimes i like to follow the crowd.

Classy.
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Debo
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Shake and bake, boys! I think we got a barbecue." Firefighter Grindle - Backdraft

Yeah, quoted that because I think it's about to turn into a flame war just because one person has a problem with how other people write stories.

Really, I don't care who the characters are, as long as the story is good.

Oh well, it's not like anyone can do anything to stop me from implementing the characters that I see fit.

Goodnite, everyone.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to ask both of you to please refrain from mentioning the naming issue on this thread again. PM at will, but boys, this doesn't need to get ugly.
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Debo
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 18, 2006 4:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to concur - 100%
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 22, 2006 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like to see fanfics about Spartans. Aside from the aliens (which I personally find boring) they are the most distinctive part of Halo. Some people will tell you how your Spartans should think and actórobotic, like MC, etc.óbut my advice is to have them think and act in a way that is interesting to you and does not do too much violence to the Halo canon. That is assuming that you are not writing about John, Linda or some other established character. And even though I think that Nylund has done a good job in his portrayal (especially in Fall of Reach) I think that his Spartans are a bit boring. They just don't seem to have much of an edge. Of course, that is the just the sort of soldier that the SPARTAN program was aiming for. You can write them that way if you want to, but given the fact that they were kidnapped and had their lives hijacked, there is a lot of possible angst to be explored as well. Like I said, whatever is interesting to you.

Enough of that Very Happy

You wrote:
Quote:
Debo stood in the cockpit of the Pelican aircraft, just behind the pilot's seats. He peered through the forward window the craft and saw the tail of a massive Covenant Carrier that loomed in the distance. Its tale-end jutted out of a mountain, blue flames roiled up into the sky.

You have good detail here, but you are telling too much and showing too little. This is another way you could've done it:
Quote:
Blue flames engulfed the hulking wreck, creating a thick, oily column of smoke that could be viewed from space. From just inside the Pelicanís cramped cockpit, Debo could see the Covenant carrierís burning tail jutting out of the mountain, and the sight nearly brought a smile to his face. Nearly.

Can you see the difference? Less reporting and more showing. These are also oppurtunities to reveal bits of your character's personality. Is he lighthearted and smiling ear-to-ear at the sight of the wreck? Is he grim and unmoved? Reactions are a key part of character development and they are a golden oppurtunity to do a little exposition without the reader knowing it.

This was pretty short, so I don't have whole lot more to say without repeating what Azrael said above. Take your time, and paint a vivid picture for the reader. Bring them into what is happening, rather than merely reporting it.

I'll be looking for your next one.

C.T. Clown
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Debo
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 24, 2006 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Chuckles.

I'll really try to paint a picture for the readers. However, sometimes I feel like i'm rambling on if i try to describe something too vididly ya know. So I'm my own worst critic all the time.

I've already released the original Debo's Spartans a few months ago. Read it in the FANFIC section if ya get the chance. THIS story however will serve as a PREQUEL to that.

SPOILER!!!
I'm also planning on revising the original "Debo's Spartans" so a character that's very awesome doesn't uh... well you know, bite the bullet.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I'll get back to work on it as soon as I get some free time. I've run into a chance for a great relationship with someone that's just great. Her and I will be seeing WORLD TRADE CENTER on August 9th when it comes out. The reason: I'm a firefighter and kinda wanna see how the film holds up. I'm not FDNY, just a volunteer from Texas.

Peace, all
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