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Mobuto - Part 1 of 2

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 12:56 pm    Post subject: Mobuto - Part 1 of 2 Reply with quote

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Mobuto - Part 1 of 2
Posted by Steve (eaglesalltheway2@yahoo.com)
11 July 2006, 2:34 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Steve0711060234321.html
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monitor101
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 107
Location: Burbank

PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, every time I try to do that quote thing I mess up so I'll just do this. You said: "An electric whoosh was heard over his right shoulder."

The passive voice wasn't right. Try saying something like, "He heard an electric whoosh over his right shoulder." Just a little suggestion.

I've been waiting for someone to do a story on Mobuto. This was great. 9/10
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 578
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Try to spice it up a bit with some events so the good guys don't always win. Also, try spacing our your paragraphs for a cleaner look. Nice; I'll look forward to reading the next installation. Smile
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