HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Mobuto - Part 1 of 2
Posted by Steve (eaglesalltheway2@yahoo.com)
11 July 2006, 2:34 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Steve0711060234321.html

monitor101 · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 107 Location: Burbank

Okay, every time I try to do that quote thing I mess up so I'll just do this. You said: "An electric whoosh was heard over his right shoulder."

The passive voice wasn't right. Try saying something like, "He heard an electric whoosh over his right shoulder." Just a little suggestion.

I've been waiting for someone to do a story on Mobuto. This was great. 9/10
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Syotica · Posted: Fri Jul 14, 2006 6:58 pm Post subject:

Try to spice it up a bit with some events so the good guys don't always win. Also, try spacing our your paragraphs for a cleaner look. Nice; I'll look forward to reading the next installation. Smile