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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part I, Chapter III: The end

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 7:29 pm    Post subject: The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part I, Chapter III: The end Reply with quote

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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part I, Chapter III: The end of the struggle)
Posted by Insomnia (sjp0131@hotmail.com)
18 October 2004, 3:25 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=insomnia.1018041525007.html
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In all, this is the end of Orbital Control, Part I. Next you will see some Jungle Combat, Controlling a Capital City, and an En Route to that city through a savanna picking off enemy forces. Comments would be appreciated.

~Insomnia
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once again, very very good.

Everything was great, and it gone very smooth.

can't wait for the next part...
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2004 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting Covenant attitude. Great story.

8/10
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2004 10:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anymore comments? Confused
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2004 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I have another comment! (I always do, you know...)

I thought that some of the protocol and speach of the Elites sounded a little off. Like, from what I have read, Elites don't have any other bridge crew, just the ship master who controls everything from his control room.
Also, I don't think that the Covenant would call a SMAC a Super MAC; I would have expected some wacktastic term.
Plus, I think that you could improve on your space combat. It just seemed a little too lax, like you weren't describing enough or something. Things went by more quickly than I would have liked, and without a whole lot of detail to give me a vivid picture of your action.

I noticed, as well, a few grammar and spelling issues. Just proofread it more next time to clear most of them out. Also, I saw a couple tense changes in there that just looked off. Watch that, it takes away from the story.

Overall, it wasn't as good as it coule have been. But, don't get me wrong, this was a pretty good piece of work. Just keep perfecting your writing skills and don't forget to practice. Keep up the work.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 21, 2004 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

whacktastic. lemme try.

Razz
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2004 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC, I don't think I've ever seen you give a GOOD review on something. Come on man! We're not friggin experts her! Just havin' fun with the thing we love most! You criticize the hell outta everything.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2004 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fraggio, not to defend him or something, but such critic comments could eventually make you a expert writer.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What are you talking about? That was a "good" review. You just need to get out more.

But yes, the way I comment does serve a purpose. If I said "well, it was pretty good" and then didn't tell you what you needed to improve, you wouldn't improve because you wouldn't know you had to.
I let you know what you are not doing right, and need to work on. Eventually, I won't have nearly as much to say. My words for you today: patience, young padawan, patience.
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Jamirus99
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fraggio wrote:
MC, I don't think I've ever seen you give a GOOD review on something. Come on man! We're not friggin experts her! Just havin' fun with the thing we love most! You criticize the hell outta everything.


Fraggio...you are not well met. Sorry to hijack the intent of the post, but if you think MC was being "harsh," you need to lay-off. Many of the veteran writers here will remember me...people who frequent the forum certainly will. MC gave his piece of mind, with an eye towards helping this guy improve, and he was not harsh about it. If you want to see criticism, browse around for some of my comments, or perhaps Hawk7886's....good job MC, on telling the author (and this fraggio guy) what he needed to hear.
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Pajari
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 4:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MS's cousin gives me good reviews all the time...

Anyway, that was a decent story. The action was intense, and even though I sometimes had to fill in the gaps in description more than I might have liked, it turned out OK.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2004 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jamirus? Is that you? Well, it's good to see you. And yes, I do remember you. Man, it is good to have another familiar face around here.
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Jamirus99
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2004 2:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, it's me...nobody else uses this name...do they?
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