HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

Cordero's Nightmare (II)
Posted by Nosolee (crugg2005@gmail.com)
7 July 2006, 2:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Nosolee0707060246381.html

thedarkfire · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:22 pm Post subject:

Too short Nos, but everything still had that same oldschool feel.

More please!

Dr Sky Tower · Posted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:00 pm Post subject:

Still good though! Razz

I like how there was still a lot of tension despite there being no actual fighting. It's good to read stories like this every now and then.

Johny117 · Member Joined: 22 Feb 2006 Posts: 118

You should have paragraphed a bit more.

I'm lovin' these stories, and the desparate situation Cordero had. Hope part three will be good.
_________________
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon

Chiajy · Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 122 Location: Singapore

Seemed a bit too much like Enid Blyton. There was a poor choice of wording to build up a succesful emotion.

'Nosolee · Member Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 73 Location: Manhattan

Heh, I've never read Enid Blyton...I wouldn't know.

Can you give me an example of where poor word choice didn't successfully build up emotion?

Chiajy · Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 122 Location: Singapore

I think the last line of the second paragraph.
'He really hoped they didn't try.'
Now, picture the fact that you are between life and death, would you use a phrase that can be used in a hide-and-seek game? No.
A better pharsing could be:
'Please God no.....' or something along that lines, something tenseful.

'Nosolee · Member Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 73 Location: Manhattan

Thanks.