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Cordero's Nightmare (II)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 12:28 pm    Post subject: Cordero's Nightmare (II) Reply with quote

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Cordero's Nightmare (II)
Posted by Nosolee (crugg2005@gmail.com)
7 July 2006, 2:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Nosolee0707060246381.html
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thedarkfire
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 7:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too short Nos, but everything still had that same oldschool feel.

More please!
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Still good though! Razz

I like how there was still a lot of tension despite there being no actual fighting. It's good to read stories like this every now and then.
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 12:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should have paragraphed a bit more.

I'm lovin' these stories, and the desparate situation Cordero had. Hope part three will be good.
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 9:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Seemed a bit too much like Enid Blyton. There was a poor choice of wording to build up a succesful emotion.
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh, I've never read Enid Blyton...I wouldn't know.

Can you give me an example of where poor word choice didn't successfully build up emotion?
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the last line of the second paragraph.
'He really hoped they didn't try.'
Now, picture the fact that you are between life and death, would you use a phrase that can be used in a hide-and-seek game? No.
A better pharsing could be:
'Please God no.....' or something along that lines, something tenseful.
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks.
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