HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Longsword R: Norah
Posted by Sterfrye36 (Sterfrye36@yahoo.com)
29 June 2006, 5:39 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Sterfrye360629060539101.html

noobylam · Member Joined: 18 May 2006 Posts: 55 Location: compton

Very well put together! Very Happy

Your grammar, use of the code, and formatting was excellent!
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thedarkfire · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:47 pm Post subject:

The Norah! Somehow, I knew you'd put that in there full time.

Emotionn (and your personal opinions) are singing loudly in this chapter to great effect.

Similies were wonderful by the way.

Sterfrye36 · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 7:51 pm Post subject:

Glad you liked it. Cool

The Norah is what I was teasing about when I hinted at a plot twist out of left field, so I hoped it was still surprising.
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FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae

thedarkfire · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 10:34 pm Post subject:

Upon mulling over, I noticed that you used a little too much repetition. Namely in the use of the word Norah. The second section sttod out with a lotta use of the ships name.

Flawless other than that.

Chiajy · Member Joined: 23 Mar 2006 Posts: 122 Location: Singapore

Excellent. The emotion, the battle, the realism, everything. Parts I liked especially were the backstabbing (Ohh, i loved it!I love humans boarding a covenent vessel justy to backstab the covenent..MAN!), the emotion and the realism of the fact that other commanders would give death-threats, etc..

What I did not like was the speech. It is a bit too.....um.....not quite right. If the commander would be so honourable as to try to take his life, I don't think he would be telling everyone that hey, what's up, I'm joining the Heretics! He would be mournful like this:
My brothers, I have failed you. I am too ashamed to go back. The Prophets will never forgive me.I have no choice but to join the Heretics.

Or something like that. He wouldn't try to persuade others to join him. This speech is about him. Not the rest. It is HIS defeat. He would be so darn upset that he would only be thinking about his failure and his joining the Heretics (With reluctance, I might add) Why would he convince others? He is too darn upset!

Overall however, besides that part, it was excellente! Very Happy

Sterfrye36 · Posted: Sun Jul 02, 2006 3:10 am Post subject:

I was thinking that his shame was so great that he felt like he needed to pull others with him to keep his psyche from shattering? Eh, I suppose you're right. But I still like the twist I put there. Smile

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FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae

STEEL RAIN · Posted: Sun Jul 02, 2006 7:37 pm Post subject:

Cool you continued your work.

You probably write the best dog fighting scenes that I have seen in ff, I really hope you post another soon.

Sterfrye36 · Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 11:53 am Post subject:

I'm working on the next one, but it'll be a while. My chapters suusally come in three month intervals, for better or for worse. Confused

_________________
FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae

Chuckles · Posted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 12:02 pm Post subject:

I'll be reading and reviewing this tonight, barring a fireworks accident Very Happy

C.T. Clown

Sterfrye36 · Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:29 am Post subject:

I'll send you some flowers, Chuck. Get well soon! Razz

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FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae

SYSTEM · Posted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:34 pm Post subject:

Oooh, ouch. Hope you get well soon.

As for this, everything we've taken up over AIM I still stand by, but I'll mention one thing again:

A very strong, well-defined ending wraps this up, and makes it seem more forceful. Without going into too much elabouration, it's just very forceful. The guy's had a freakin' traumatic incident and has fallen asleep - stop. It's a nice departure from a cheesy movie quote followed by the oh-so-annoying "To Be Continued..." line, and it's a really great one at that. Awesome, and the reason why it's so effective is that the ending in itself (just in itself) doesn't make me feel angry, sad, or tense, but a sense of release - and that release gives me room to think back and reflect on what has just happened.

I like it!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Guardian · Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:02 am Post subject:

I hope that hand heals Chuckles, we can't have such a badass author handicapped can we?

Anyways sterfrye my good friend, your story was excellent. Grammar and punctuation along with spelling were done nicely. Flow, well I never find any flow issues when I read your stories so I can't really say much about that. I'm interested in how the next chapter will unfold and what new surprises it will bring.

-Shad

P.S. I'm not bullshitting this.

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:32 am Post subject:

Sigh, I'm currently in the process of reading this entire series, as I told you, so hang tight for a day or two and I'll do a combined review Smile

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

The part of this that my writing has identified with is the role of religion in combat. I don't know if you read about my character Tonsi the Muslim in Minutemen: Battle of Boston, but his motivation is his religion, which "saved" him from what he thought was a life of shame and agony.

Your interior monolouges are fantastic, both human and Covenant. Everyone has doubt in their lives at some point, and I imagine most everyone argues with themselves or has doubts, regrets, etc., and I think you captured that beautifully.

Excellent job. A real winner here.
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.