HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

This topic is for posting comments to:

Installation 03 - Part 1
Posted by Zero117 (cameron.hassler@gmail.com)
17 October 2004, 11:02 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zero117.1017042302501.html

[russ687]

It started out good, but went downhill after the first three paragraphs:

1. Covenant is alwasy capitalized
2. Proper names of Ships are always in italics
3. Proper names of races wiithin the Covenant are capitalized

Also, you need to make the transition better between your story (i.e. the Human side of view, then the Covenant's) as that could lead to confusion among the readers.

It seemed sudden when the Covenant Grunt walked onto the Human Bridge...you left something out there.

Overall detail was fairly low. Work on describing things better.

Keep trying

-Russ

[SYSTEM]

You had a strong beginning, but you need to use the code.

There are grammatical errors, and the story doesn't flow smoothly. Try again, and include more detail, and be sure to use Caps!

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

[(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher]

It was very, very good in the beginning, but then it got stupid with all the spelling areas, and plus you didn't use the code, which saddens me greatly.

1. USE THE GOD DAMN CODE!!!
2. Remember the things the people above me said.
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

[MC's Cousin]

Hey now, (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher, the Code is not "GOD DAMN"ed, for it is certainly not going to hell. But, it is important. Yes, all writers, first time or not, should know about the code here. There is NO excuse!. Learn it, use it, love it, spread it. (all in the link within my sig.)

And yes, you need much better transitions. Even working without horizontal rules, you should know how to seperate perspectives better. For short, between character groups that are close together, or short time gaps (with species/sides) use a double space.
For longer time gaps and transitions between farther away character groups, or less related ones, use a triple space.
And for species transitions, or major event transitions, use a quadrupal space. You don't have to use exactly those spaces, but at least change thigns to make them more defined.

As for the whole "elite" thing (yes, proper nouns need to be capitalized, always. Examples, in this instance, include: Elite, Covenant, Prophet, and any other species.
About the Elite speak though...don't make that kind of stuff up. It shows you are a little creative, and didn't want it to be some kind of know language (at least I did not know it was a known language). But, that kind of thing can annoy readers. We want to know what they are really saying, and when you are using a Covenant perspective, you have the liberty to translate it into English for us.

As for the incident on the bridge. Something was mission; it's called detail. When writing a story, it is crutial to use defining details, explanitory details and general details properly.
Defining details are those that describe each event; giving it realism so that the reader has a clear picture of what the characters and settings look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, and are like.
Explanitory details explain what is going on. When using these, especially in complex stories and combat scenes, it is crutial to use them properly as to convey a clear storyline (in the case that you have one worked out - which should always be a first priority when making a story in the first place) and to let the reader in on each action as it occurs.
Finally, general details are those that just let the reader know who is there, generally why they are there, and where they are. The "simple" stuff.
Now, on the Bridge, you could have used all of this.

Overall, you have work to do before this will be really good. Watch your grammar and spelling. Also, when working with Covenant personalitites, be extremely careful.
_________________
-MCC

[Fraggio]

A well constructed first couple of paragraphs, but after that the story began to get broken up and a little shady. Work on it some. Just listen to what everyone else said.