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Tin Cans: Prologe

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 1:21 pm    Post subject: Tin Cans: Prologe Reply with quote

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Tin Cans: Prologe
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
22 June 2006, 9:46 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Andres0622060946321.html
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Andres
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No feedback, at all?
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Tin Can Man
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 7:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll try and take a look at it soon.
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monitor101
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 12:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's some feedback...brilliant combat, nicely written.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 04, 2006 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was a pretty enjoyable read, though I must confess action stories tend not to be my favorite. If done well, though, they can be exciting. And for what it was, it was good. You gave the events a certain clarity and lent the situation a frenetic energy.

I will say, however, that you should give the story more context rather than just a human-alien tank battle. You by no means have to devise an earth-shaking plot, but one paragraph detailing where this is and why they are fighting would be beneficial.

Also, I noticed a few grammatical errors, namely missing commas and a handful of run-on sentences. Smooth this stuff out for the sake of presentation and readability.

I realize this is a prologue, so I will wait for subsequent chapters to see where you take this. Keep up the good work.

- Arthur
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2006 6:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will try to focus this series on the "Covenant superior tactics" motto, since I see this in no way could be true, at least ground-wise, and concentrate on what would be for the average joe to see in armored, maneuver combat against the Covenant.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 3:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, for starters, watch your spelling, especially in your chapter titles. People always judge a story (at least somewhat) by their titles, and errors there can really discourage people from reading. Always take that extra 30 seconds to examine what you typed in to make sure it is correct.

As for the story, a few things struck me as a read it and finished. Although you didn't have any spelling errors, there were several words that were simply the wrong word. Also, some places missed some much needed punctuation to make it flow well. However, this story oddly flowed better than your last ones, and even though you still had some GPS errors, things seemed to fit together better. All I can stress is proofreading; a lot of these errors you have been making since you started writing here, so make every effort to fix them. You are improving without a doubt, but there's still stuff that needs to be rectified.

Now, the details were good. You have a knack for the military theme, and all the little descriptions you throw in really help set the mood of your story. Some of the phrases you used in there (one of them was "march separately fight together") really elevate the story. Nice job there.

So, overall, a good read. You didn't bog down in places and kept me reading. The details were all good, you just need to work on your GPS. It's very important that you get that down, because it is the other half of a story's greatness. Keep working.

-R
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STEEL RAIN
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Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 136
Location: WI, New York

PostPosted: Thu Jul 13, 2006 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Boo ya, armored combat kick ass, i have only seen a few storys with armor in it, and so far this is the best representation of modern warfare that Ive seen.

Damn fine job dude, cant wait till the next one.
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