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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4352
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community
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 Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 5:03 am Post subject: |
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| Hahahah! I don't blame y'all for not reading it. |
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Mark25
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Joined: 12 Jul 2005
Posts: 192
Location: Single and seriously pissed
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| Posted: Thu Jun 29, 2006 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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Woah, quite a few views but no comments, that's poor lads, c'mon, this guy's a worthwhile contributor (most of the time). Anybody else?
Sol, I'll get to this, quick run through and it seems okay in parts (parts it doesn't but hey, one of the reasons we're here is to improve, right?).
Few things noted from the outset without me having to take the time to digest it:
| Quote: | | Soldiers were cast out by Endeavors set to destroy an enemy believe to degrace the soil they worship. |
I know from the context what you implied by 'degrace' but is it actually a word? There's a coup de grace but that wouldn't fit well if at all.
No current idea what Endeavours is (a ship, a means), American English always look like spelling mistakes when you're not used to seeing things spelled like that.
| Quote: | | Mis-interpretation led to this total distinction that is at hand. |
Distinction being a pun (as in they distinctly got the prophecy wrong), otherwise, wouldn't it be 'extinction'? And you switch between this and that, would not it have been better to go with something more happening:
Mis-interpretation has led to this most looming of complete extinction.
Mis-interpretation has led to foreboding annihilation.
Mis-interpretation has led to looming extinction.
Take your pick. You can have the use of 'Nullspace' if you want it, something I intend to have the forerunners use as a contingency plan if the Ark is activated (in my fiction the Ark actually does go somewhere).
Swearing in this seemed really at odds with the seriousness with which you attempted to convey the message, if you're going to stick misery and pessimism in there do it with a touch more flair. The profanity added to this, added nothing but a sense of bewilderment. Here the protaganist is all: 'we're all going to 'fucking' die', that would be something someone inarticulate would say after seeing the sky open up. I'm taking it we're talking about the Halo 3 footage. I'm not saying you gotta go all 'eery shadows fell all and smother about the pale and twilight sky' on us (heaven forbid), but try to even it out, a character that swears has to do so with good reason, if he had done it where you did it, he'd most likely have done it all over the place too. Swearing is a lack of articulation, it's a substitute for a word or a phrase beyond the tongue's grasp (I do it a lot!). Note you see a lot of people use it when they can't describe aptly something they want to say. You don't need to use it in here, you can find the right words for the right moment, just be patient and think it through. It'll come, even if it is four in the morning.
I'll admit that a small part of me is reviewing out of pity (76 views and 1 comment by the author by my last count) and I know I shouldn't be thinking 'we should look after our own' (I hate going back on my beliefs over egality and elitism). But I know you posted that comment because you were feeling quite aggrieved, even though you made light of it. You could always make a second persona?! Seems to have drudged up trade for some folk.
I'll get back to you then, in light of you scratching my back, I suppose it only right I should scratch yours (no matter the self serving ideals of it all or the fact it is an ever dwindling and diminutive sport). I'll still scathe you though dude, you know that much. Despite my time and effort, doesn't necessarily mean you're going to want my comments.
Til then. |
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community
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| Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 3:40 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | know from the context what you implied by 'degrace' but is it actually a word? There's a coup de grace but that wouldn't fit well if at all.
No current idea what Endeavours is (a ship, a means), American English always look like spelling mistakes when you're not used to seeing things spelled like that. |
Ahh, sorry for them stupid mistakes. I write using Word and it sometimes auto corrects me. I figure its right, and never really bother to check the meaning. Something I should never do. 
Disgrace?
Endeavor is a person who tries hard to achieve something.
| Quote: | | Swearing in this seemed really at odds with the seriousness with which you attempted to convey the message, if you're going to stick misery and pessimism in there do it with a touch more flair. |
Well . . .  I wasn't really shooting for the misery type message but more of a . . . how should I say this . . . personal faith message. 
I always like to write my thoughts and what I'm feeling as I write a Halo fan fic. Haha. If I was to make the message any clearer in what I was trying to say, I would get a lot of hate mail. I can get a bit vulgar at times.
You're always welcome to comment. But 76 views!? I beginning to think that people don't even bother to look at it. Almost like . . . they wait to see someone's else review to either love it or hate it. 
Thanks Mark |
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth
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| Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:01 am Post subject: |
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| Well I for one read this on Friday and liked it, but I haven't had much time to comment nor can I go into alot of depth which I think might sell it short, cause it was an interesting read to say the least. Sorry, I'm better at long comments when I dislike the piece, so all I can really say is that it was good and I liked it. Keep it up Polaris, man. |
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Marine Corps 117
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Joined: 05 Feb 2006
Posts: 37
Location: Good ol' northern NJ
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| Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:02 am Post subject: |
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| I'm not quite sure I understood it as I read through the first time, and for that I feel pretty stupid. But I digress. What I admire most is the aspiration for originality. Oftentimes you've got folks simply writing about some overpowered original main character in some ridiculous scenario (said character often has a cheesey name, as well) but again, I digress. |
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community
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| Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hahaha, thanks, all.
But, its probably a good thing you don't understand it . . . |
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