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ONI Field Intelligence Interview (Revised)

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:15 pm    Post subject: ONI Field Intelligence Interview (Revised) Reply with quote

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ONI Field Intelligence Interview (Revised)
Posted by Grantix (eightypercentblinding@yahoo.com)
13 June 2006, 11:21 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Grantix0613062321571.html
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good. Your use of the interview was good. Your GPS was good. Your story had a good plot and stuck to it. However, you do need to put in spaces between your paragraphs. For instance:

Quote:
"Blam!" the Marine shouted. He fired wildly at the creature and leapt backwards, slipping on the wet blood splattered over the floor.

The thing lurched forwards and whacked out a huge tentacle. It smashed across his face, tearing off his jawbone, and ripping his nose to shreds.

[hr]

He woke up in a hospital. The white, sterile walls seemed to emanate a cold aura that bore down on him.


That was block paragraphing. Notice my excerpt contained a good deal more descriptions than your fic - something you need to keep in mind.

Alternatively, using indent paragraphing:

Quote:
[indent]"Blam!" the Marine shouted. He fired wildly at the creature and leapt backwards, slipping on the wet blood splattered over the floor.
[indent]The thing lurched forwards and whacked out a huge tentacle. It smashed across his face, tearing off his jawbone, and ripping his nose to shreds.

[indent]He woke up in a hospital. The white, sterile walls seemed to emanate a cold aura that bore down on him.


I think you're intelligent enough to understand it. Keep up the good work.
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