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A Life on Sangheil Chapter 2: Wonderful News and Danger

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 1:15 pm    Post subject: A Life on Sangheil Chapter 2: Wonderful News and Danger Reply with quote
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A Life on Sangheil Chapter 2: Wonderful News and Danger
Posted by Erin Valtinson (ssvaltinson@msn.com)
13 June 2006, 7:20 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Erin_Valtins0613061920191.html
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
A bit short, and there were quite a few GPS errors, but still fairly good.

A tip: If you indent your paragraphs, you may want to put a space beneath each paragraph:

I just wrote:
"Blah blah blah," said Hank. "Blah blah!" he yelled as Bob threw a fish at his head. "Blah, blah, blah blah blah blah blah!"

"Blah blah blah," Bob answered cheerfully.


Bleh. The stupid BBCode for indents doesn't work here, I guess. Oh well. You see that this looks a bit less cluttered than what you used. Just a tip from us kindly nitpickers here at HBOFF.
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5
PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 7:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
I'm really beginning to take fault at your humanities. Your Elites sound like humans....and that is a huge insult. They show no sign of being aliens. They act as though they live in a suburban home in the States. Your lack of GPS is, unfortunately, rather evident. And it seems as though you have not read any of our comments for the first chapter.

You have potential, but until you clear this whole thing up your fic is going to go down.
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 122
Location: Singapore
PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
The storyline is good, but like they said, the story isn't in GPS, etc...
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