russ687
Member
Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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 Posted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, indents. It makes everything so much better.
Some GPS things in there, nothing that better PR'ing can't fix. I liked those descriptions and dialogue at the very beginning. It made me feel like I was right there as the Marines called out targets and they were hit by the CAS overhead. Nice job there.
| You wrote: | | The folding stretchers were perfect for transport and it was all going really well until it all went to hell. |
That sounded awkward, but it rhymed, which was pretty cool. It would have been better if you inserted a comma before "and."
The ending was mixed. I loved the emotion you put into it, making the transition from soldiers who only care about pragmatic missions--despite who might be left behind--to soldiers who care about saving their own people, but it all went by so fast. I mean, there was at least three pages worth of material there, and you covered it in two paragraphs. Nonetheless, it was a strong ending albeit being too short, and you kept me reading throughout.
Overall, a good read. You still have some areas in your writing that need cleaned up, and you should also learn to take advantage of certain parts of the story (like the ending) to expound upon, but this stuff will come with more time writing. So, keep thinking, writing, and posting. I look forward to your next.
-R |
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