HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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A Life on Sangheil Chapter 1: A New Life
Posted by Erin Valtinson (ssvaltinson@msn.com)
9 June 2006, 1:13 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Erin_Valtins0609060113421.html

mooching sack of death · Member Joined: 20 Apr 2005 Posts: 25 Location: bleh

*squeal* can i be ten people?! Very Happy

Dagorath · Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:55 am Post subject:

Right. Where to start? Your piece is quite good - your characters have their own, individual....characters and that's good. The story - so far - isn't confusing or bland.

But you have quite a few GPS (Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling) mistakes (chant "GPS" to yourself in your sleep). The whole thing looks rather untidy - and it is. Also some canonity mistakes - your Elites aren't human enough. I'll leave it at that for now - it's better to find the mistakes yourself.

To put a horizontal rule in your fic, you use the tag [hr]. Oh and....don't make demands of your readers. It puts them off.

Really.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 3:00 am Post subject:

You're not going to get ten people to comment. Hardly anyone does now days.

But um . . . are they Elites, or humans.? Rolling Eyes

And check your grammer and spelling.

Johny117 · Member Joined: 22 Feb 2006 Posts: 118

You should make them sound more Covenant.
_________________
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon

thedude12345 · Member Joined: 06 May 2006 Posts: 16

I thought the story was pretty good. I liked the sense of individuality that i got from each character. and i do agree with johny117 that they shouldnt sound so much like a couple of 25-year olds. And next time check your GPS(That means there should be a NEXT TIME!!).

Vexa · Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:02 pm Post subject:

Personally, I enjoy Covenant-oriented stories. Please keep writing!

Dhors · Member Joined: 16 Jun 2006 Posts: 1

I agree with the mooching sack. Of death. hmm . . . Although I wouldn't want to be ten people. Maybe five. I'll have to think about it.
Anyway, good job. I look forward to the second part.

Dr Sky Tower · Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 11:22 pm Post subject:

I suppose I would write more fic on here if I got 10 positive comments out of people, but like someone earlier said, demanding readers supply you with positive comments is more likely to put them off reading your story full stop (unless they're your friends posting on here) Rolling Eyes

First up, your spelling and grammar isn't good. I found it distracting. A really bad story would still be readable if it were punctuated right and had the right grammar, etc. At leat people would read it. But a bad story with bad grammar etc is just that, bad.

I don't see Elites behaving 'like teenage humans'. Aren't these Elites supposed to be seasoned warriors Question