HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

A Life on Sangheil Chapter 1: A New Life

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 11:37 am    Post subject: A Life on Sangheil Chapter 1: A New Life Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

A Life on Sangheil Chapter 1: A New Life
Posted by Erin Valtinson (ssvaltinson@msn.com)
9 June 2006, 1:13 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Erin_Valtins0609060113421.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mooching sack of death
Member


Joined: 20 Apr 2005
Posts: 25
Location: bleh

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*squeal* can i be ten people?! Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Dagorath
Member


Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right. Where to start? Your piece is quite good - your characters have their own, individual....characters and that's good. The story - so far - isn't confusing or bland.

But you have quite a few GPS (Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling) mistakes (chant "GPS" to yourself in your sleep). The whole thing looks rather untidy - and it is. Also some canonity mistakes - your Elites aren't human enough. I'll leave it at that for now - it's better to find the mistakes yourself.

To put a horizontal rule in your fic, you use the tag [hr]. Oh and....don't make demands of your readers. It puts them off.

Really.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Solidus Snake
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 3:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're not going to get ten people to comment. Hardly anyone does now days.

But um . . . are they Elites, or humans.? Rolling Eyes

And check your grammer and spelling.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Johny117
Member


Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 118

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You should make them sound more Covenant.
_________________
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
thedude12345
Member


Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 16

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought the story was pretty good. I liked the sense of individuality that i got from each character. and i do agree with johny117 that they shouldnt sound so much like a couple of 25-year olds. And next time check your GPS(That means there should be a NEXT TIME!!).
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Vexa
Member


Joined: 08 Apr 2006
Posts: 1
Location: New Jersey, USA

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Personally, I enjoy Covenant-oriented stories. Please keep writing!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Dhors
Member


Joined: 16 Jun 2006
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2006 2:51 am    Post subject: In Agreement Reply with quote

I agree with the mooching sack. Of death. hmm . . . Although I wouldn't want to be ten people. Maybe five. I'll have to think about it.
Anyway, good job. I look forward to the second part.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Dr Sky Tower
Member


Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

PostPosted: Fri Jun 30, 2006 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose I would write more fic on here if I got 10 positive comments out of people, but like someone earlier said, demanding readers supply you with positive comments is more likely to put them off reading your story full stop (unless they're your friends posting on here) Rolling Eyes

First up, your spelling and grammar isn't good. I found it distracting. A really bad story would still be readable if it were punctuated right and had the right grammar, etc. At leat people would read it. But a bad story with bad grammar etc is just that, bad.

I don't see Elites behaving 'like teenage humans'. Aren't these Elites supposed to be seasoned warriors Question
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group