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Force Recon, Scout Sniper Part 6

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 11:36 am    Post subject: Force Recon, Scout Sniper Part 6 Reply with quote

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Force Recon, Scout Sniper Part 6
Posted by Helljumper (Helljumper)
6 June 2006, 4:22 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Helljumper0606061622101.html
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 2:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Little grammer and punctuation errors here and there but otherwise perfect Cool
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, finally. After months of inactivity, you've finally posted. Nice to see the next installment in your series, Helljumper.

This was short, but good. You did have some GPS errors in there, not many, but still some. I highly recommend that you print off your story and closely proofread the entire chapter to catch those. You probably already know this, but it's much, much easier to find mistakes (formatting, GPS, whatever) on a printout than it is to find them on screen. I've noticed that when I do that with my own work, it comes out much cleaner and coherent.

I was a little disappointed to see some missing indents in there. Those are very easy to catch, so next time make sure you get them all. However, your descriptions made up for more than those minor errors, and you kept me glued for the entire chapter. Not much plot progression here, but definently worth the read. I was honestly confused about where this "Jason Temyer" came from, as I don't recall him being in the story, but the scene you depicted with good. I noticed you did this change of character scene in the last chapter as well, but I don't see how this one connects. Make sure you tie that up in the next chapter.

Overall, good job, and again it's nice to see you back. Feel free to get ahold of me whenever if you want me to elaborate on any of my points; I'm happy to help.

-Russ
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the last paragraph with the Pelican was suppose to be italized and was when i submitted it, but guess something happened. if you observe my past chapters italized are like flashbacks, so u gotta wait and see how everything ties in.

ODST
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

About time! Surprised

I'll be back with a review in a moment.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 3:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'mma little disappointed in the level of responses, was it that bad guys, i know I haven't written in a while

ODST
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Andres
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Helljumper wrote:
I'mma little disappointed in the level of responses, was it that bad guys, i know I haven't written in a while

ODST


It are the bad ones with more replies...
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Helljumper wrote:
I'mma little disappointed in the level of responses, was it that bad guys, i know I haven't written in a while

ODST


Remember, Helljumper, coming back unexpectedly and assuming loads of comments from flocking readers will just appear never works. Lots of people that read Force Recon when it first came out have moved on, they're not here at HBOFF anymore - you have to impress a new audience, and sometimes this can be a bit difficult.

And I will get back to this.
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The man himself! Just as I start posting again as well! (we'll see how long this lasts)

The problem I find with jumping back after being gone so long is reintroducing the story. It's a horrid necessity that after being behind you have to basically reintroduce what you've set out to do. I had to remind myself what the two snipers were doing on the planet. I enjoy your level of detail and your determined pace in telling the story. You don't just have them land, shoot off a few rounds, and extract. It's a complicated operation they're trying to pull off, and I suspect you're about to make it more complicated.

I'm also interested to see what your plans are for that female captain in Chapter five. Good work, just make sure that all of us lesser mortals have an easier time jumping back into the story. I'm going through the same process, and it's horrible, but it has to be done to keep people in the story. The price we pay, no?
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Azreal I'm excited to start reading your next post. Thank you for your comment.

ODST
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Andres
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude! You are... well, we are back!
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monitor101
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 107
Location: Burbank

PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2006 2:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I look back and remember the golden days of hboff, remembering the old breed that has long since past. I'm glad to see your still around Helljumper.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 8:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As always, your details were excellent. I like how you keep your soldiers in character. Too many fics have supposedly highly trained and battle-tested men cracking under pressure like rookies. I see that all too often and it has become one of my pet-peeves. You, on the other hand, make your characters react like trained soldiers—something that new Halo writers would do well to emulate.

Your action was written clearly and, as I already mentioned, with great detail. You obviously have a thorough knowledge of the military hardware that fills the Haloverse. Since it has been a year and a half since your last installment, it would have been helpful if you had spent a bit more time establishing the setting; something to get the reader back into the world you created. The writing was good, but you had a lot of short sentences hurting your pace and putting speed-bumps in your flow. This problem seemed to disappear in the final section, which flowed quite well.

It is good to see something new from you. This chapter was a worthy addition to your series and, since this is the first thing you've posted in nearly a year, I hope it means that you're planning to stick around and write some more. It may take people a bit of time to become familiar with your story, since it has been so long, but I am certain that you will have no problem building a strong base of consistent readers. You portray the nuts and bolts of combat like few others on here can, and it would go a long way towards reducing the silliness and absurdity we read on this site if some of the new writers would take a look at your stuff (along with stories by Azrael, Russ and a few others) before writing Halo battle sequences. If only, huh?

Hope to see the next chapter soon.

C.T. Clown
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