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young spartans at reach

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 11:36 am    Post subject: young spartans at reach Reply with quote

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young spartans at reach
Posted by jake dove (jakerools@blueyonder)
3 June 2006, 5:47 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jake_dove0603061747041.html
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Bodie
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Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 26
Location: Perth, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many GPS errors.

Also, 'Ominoculars'? What is this? Halo Potter? Question
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silentsailor
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Joined: 01 Oct 2005
Posts: 7

PostPosted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the idea of this - it's a scene that was mentioned in the books but that was never actually described, so it's nice to see the action. However, PLEASE capitalize! Reading through is much more difficult otherwise...
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Johny117
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Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 118

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There were so many GPS errors I didn't bother to count. But the plot was okay.
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Skul
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Joined: 16 May 2005
Posts: 199
Location: UK, Scotland

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, I suppose, but have you ever heard of the Shift key? How about capital letters?... No? I won't bother asking about the Code, I know the answer, already.

One thing that stood out to me was the Spartans throwing rocks at the bunker for six hours! Are they planning to go in through the roof? I mean, six hours worth of thrown rocks would eventually make a pretty good structure to climb. Laughing
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, but I literally couldn't read this. I'm not sure why this wasn't just deleted by Wu. I'll take others' word for it that the plot was OK, but is it really too much to ask you to use standard, legible English?
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Dr Sky Tower
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Joined: 10 Jun 2006
Posts: 120
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An ok story spoilt by the bad layout. Not much more to add that other poeple haven't already said except that a bad layout, even if written well, can stop people from reading it.

You need to go back and proof read before submitting, and at the very least, put double spaces after the dialogue speeches if you don't want to spend the time putting [indent] [/indent] at the beginning of new paragraphs etc.
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Skul
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Posts: 199
Location: UK, Scotland

PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's no need to put a closing tag for the indent. It's like the <br> tag in HTML.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
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Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

you've also screwed up the story, James did want to be a sniper, he was made spotter, though.
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bowog the grunt
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Joined: 16 Jun 2006
Posts: 51
Location: the TARDIS

PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey there was a lot of spelling errors, and you made the spartans look like civilian kids on a dangerous mission, but otherwise it was ok.
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2006 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Try using punctuation, spelling, GPS, and all that other good stuff. You should consider capatilising the story itself; looks unprofessional without it.
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Matthiasthe14th
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Joined: 25 Dec 2005
Posts: 126
Location: Je m'en fiche.

PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2006 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ummm... Well... "E" for "Effort". I think just about everything has been said. However, you should make the installments a bit longer.
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Sebasman
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Joined: 23 Jul 2005
Posts: 38
Location: Gilbert, AZ

PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

God... Please... No more! Crying or Very sad
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SeverianofUrth
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 483
Location: Dumb posts & crap stories

PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2006 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guys, if you encounter a poorly done story like this, one or two comments should be enough. No need to kick something that's already dead (at least, I think that's how you say it).
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2006 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Perhaps "beat a dead horse" would be perfect for this situation. Now I think we've all beat this dead horse enough. Let's all shut up.
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