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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part I, Chapter II: Tatics a
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 1:58 am    Post subject: The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part I, Chapter II: Tatics a Reply with quote

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The Siege of Beta Centauri XVI (Part I, Chapter II: Tatics and Destruction)
Posted by Insomnia (sjp0131@hotmail.com)
14 October 2004, 12:28 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=insomnia.10140400281817.html
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Louis Wu
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 2:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why on EARTH you felt the need to press the submit button 15 times in less than 2 minutes, I'll never understand.

Please don't do this again.
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Fraggio
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fifteen times? Wow, that's a little, should I say, excessive?
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My fault. Everytime I said "Submit" It said "DNL Error" So I tried again so it would let me submit it. Comments would be nice.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 3:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Although i get some kind of problem as well, it is more of the "oops, I bet you never thought you would see this" kind of error, what happens aweful lot at this very moment, and when I wanted to submit my 'Fiction'.

So, I hope this does not happen to me when I want to submit new parts...In 2003, it gave trouble sometime as well.

JCDentonCZ
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Can you give me a comment about my story please?
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, if the server wouldnt blast up...

In the meantime, you could try to read my story, The Beyond Halo: TTC 2582...

If the server would allow you... Confused
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2004 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It did allow me too. Just keep trying. It comes up every now and then.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would like it if I got a comment...
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 5:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was very good! Normally, such stories are not worked out well by writers, but you did a good job.

So, Omnamamee and the other, are they Hunters or Prophets? they sure sound like Hunters, religious, very smart Hunters...

For the rest, very good, but I found the MAC guns and the Covenant fire far too strong... as for the other weapondry. If Destroyers and other types of huge ships in a class 7 to 10 gets destroyed by a single salvo or human rockets, then ships like the T&R would be destroyed in a second as well...

Oh well, I never read the three Halo books, just because I never had the money, and they are not sold in this part of the Netherlands...

Again, very very good. keep it up.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hunters do not have such extreme authority as elite's do and if they were Prophets, I would call them "The Prophet of Hegemony" or "The Prophet of Soceity" and basically, they are Elite's. You are right, I should have balanced them out more.
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Embarassed

...
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Hawk7886
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't try to blame your stupidity on the server. If you hit submit, it submits.

Insomnia, I enjoyed your story. It was a bit short, but the action scenes were well written. Esecially with the Ship Master's rage. Nice job.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Hawk. Mr. Wu has kindly posted that if you get an error message, your story has still gone through, so, don't worry about it. Ignorance of this has only one person to blame.

By the way, a nice little comversation you guys had going. Next time do it on IM.

Oh, and about the book thing. Look, you need to read the books; they will provide you with invaluable information about the Halo-verse. About no-one selling it in your part of the world; ever heard of the internet? Maybe you can't get it shipped to you, but just incase:

Take your pick.


Now for the story.
I think that the Elites didn't sound as good as they should have; like they were off in character and personality or something. For instance, we learn in Halo: The Flood that Ship Masters prefer to command their vessels on their own, and do not have "lower beings" to assist them on the command platform.
Also, what was the deal with the whole:
Quote:
The Super MAC orbital defense platforms were at attention, as they gathered a yellowish beam and gathered protons to accelerate at a extraterrestrial high velocity using the magnetic coils that supervised this seamless process.

Thing? MACs don't collect protons or anything, they use magnetic coils. That means, that the system uses power from a reactor, that then goes into the electromagnetic coils, creating an extremely strong magnetic field, propelling the projectile forward. But they do not glow.

Now onto your space combat. Well, it could have been better. It seemed to be a bit too blocky and lacked flow. In my opinion, you seemed to switch setting a little too much. You made it sould like the "camera" was out in space one moment, then back in the ship the next. What you should have done was, keeping in third person of course, left the perspective on the Covie ship; though, essentially was the base of what you tried to do, it needed work. The way you had it sounded... distant somehow.
You need to use detail better as well. First off, you didn't really describe much. Second, you became repedetive; which is not a good thing. That was one of the things that took off from the flow of the story.
Watch your tenses also; you jumped around some in there.

There was also something about your ending. First of all, radar wouldn't pick up a SMAC round; the things are moving way to fast, faster than radar could detect. Second, I doubt that Covies would have "radar", they have other real high-tech stuff for that.

Overall, it was okay, but it all went by too fast and left me wondering what the overall situation was. Watch your grammar and spelling, and keep practicing and trying your best to improve.


P.S. This may have double-posted. If it did, excuse me, if it didn't, good.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 22, 2004 11:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC, thanks, but he is controlling it by himself. Read Part I, Chapter I. Its just him and the AI controlling the ship.
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