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Glass and Steel - Power Struggle

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri May 26, 2006 2:13 pm    Post subject: Glass and Steel - Power Struggle Reply with quote

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Glass and Steel - Power Struggle
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@comcast.net)
26 May 2006, 4:23 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Random_14-Ye0526060423171.html
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California

PostPosted: Sat May 27, 2006 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah this is a weird one, I know. I was shooting for a poem that could sum up all the drama that went on in the last two chapters - it takes some effort to wrap your head around.

If you're wondering why I completely ditched rhyming towards the end, it's because that represents Ren's state of mind. As Howard breaks Ren more and more, Ren's rhyme gets increasingly sloppy. By the time Howard has brainwashed Ren, the rhyme is gone completely.

And... yeah... a pointlessly deep poem? I dunno. But I hope ya guys like it.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm. Interesting.

Quote:
Help General Gaffer, and crush the Covenant attackers.

Ahh, the ever-so-thin Halo tie-in that so many of us (me included) are guilty of when doing poems.

I liked your tone. It was playful enough to excuse and even welcome the lack of sophistication (concerning words and phrasing) inherent throughout: a lack of sophistication that was obviously intentional. At times it was a bit choppy. Some of the lines could have been smoothed out with little difficulty. For example:
Quote:
It wasn't my choice to be saved—I'd rather be dead.
So I woke up again, and found myself held captive instead.

Leaving out the word "held" would have easily fixed the flow in these two lines. Watch for those small mistakes. They add up.

At times this seemed to make sense, and at others it was completely incoherent. I like poems most when they challenge me and/or make me think, so this fell a bit short in that regard. Still, you obviously have a talent for poetry, and I liked the fact that you tried to represent Ren's broken mind through a failing rhyme scheme. Nice.

C.T. Clown
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Chiajy
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 122
Location: Singapore

PostPosted: Tue May 30, 2006 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It sounds more like words binded together to form a poem... Confused
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