Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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 Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 8:26 am Post subject: |
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Ooh, thin Halo connection here: one word thin, to be exact. If you hadn't mentioned "plasma" then this would seem to relate much, much better to a game like Battlefield 2; what, with the mention of the different ranks and the medics. Speaking of that, where in the heck are the medics in Halo? Or, for that matter, a dagger, axe or arrow? Okay, enough of that. Most poems on here are guilty of thin Halo reference. But one, single word? Oh, I said enough of that. Sorry.
As for the rest, this was okay. You had an interesting structure, but you really didn't say much. "These are acts of war" got pretty redundant and stale. The fact that they are acts of war is painfully obvious, and thus not great poem fodder. Poems are at their worst when they plainly state the obvious. I did not feel moved, enlightened or challenged; and in my opinion, a poem has to do at least one of those things, and preferably all three.
Still, you show some talent for poetry. Perhaps a different subject matter would be a better fit for you. I'll take a look at your other poems.
By the way, it is generally frowned upon to submit more than a couple stories/chapters in a single queue. You had seven. Don't feel bad: when I first showed up, I submitted five short stories all at once. I didn't know any better, and I'm betting you didn't either. Something to keep in mind for next time.
Good to have you here.
C.T. Clown |
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