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,Ninjas on Fire (machinema screenplay)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 4:56 pm    Post subject: ,Ninjas on Fire (machinema screenplay) Reply with quote

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,Ninjas on Fire (machinema screenplay)
Posted by peterbrooks (stay_with_the_pete@hotmail.com)
14 May 2006, 7:30 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=peterbrooks0514060730591.html
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 7:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Scene one

From a small circular turning in the grass a noise can be heard, the occupant of the bunker below is unscrewing a manhole cover. The cover is lopped sidewards as hands are visible each side of the freshly opened hole.

Still nestled safely inside, Mark26 looks over to the guy standing before a wall of criticism and critics bearing their sharply honed teeth towards him. Mark seems awash with pity for the poor soul about to be shredded into small pieces.

The bunker rat shouts out a bit of encouragement:

"Hey Pete, that's a bold and unusual method of articulation."

Mark26 quickly seals over the manhole before the feasting begins.

Scene ends.

Scene Two

Pete suffers terribly from multiple bitemarks from critics.


Dude your chosen form of exposition was most unusual and difficult to appreciate, not least because it's hard to get into something that ideally needs to be watched to get a good feel for. Sorry mate, no pointers til it's at least in a story-esque format. I know you may not want it in that style but this ain't a pleasant method, trust me.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Code:

                                                            Scene One
The lights are dimmed, but Dave's office and bedroom is illuminated well enough by the light filtering through the open doorway beside his bed. He sits at a desk, facing a computer screen, and is busy typing on a keyboard.

                                                       Dave (Voiceover)
Oh, I wouldn't say that's a script, there. Needs some proper formatting and such, I'd reccomend the guidelines. You're going to need to do research on proper screenplay script formatting and some real description. I don't care if it was for fun, for marks, or something, but you posted it here, and that means you're open for criticism. So I'll start with proper formatting - go search around.

                                                       Camera
Cut to Dave, extreme closeup on his face.

Dave immediately takes a drink from a bottle of unlabelled water resting on the chair beside him, then continues.

                                                       Dave (Voiceover)
So let's get with the program, huh? Kid, you need work. Plain and simple. Describe your settings, or your director's just going to laugh at you, and I sure did.

Immediately he chuckles, then watches the rest of his own cast file in to see the commotion. Enter Terry, Andy, and Ralf. Each of them gather around the desk and peer at the computer monitor.

                                                    Camera
Pan out to closeup on Ralf

                                                       Ralf
So let's review proper script form, shall we? There are some important things to know.

                                                    Camera
Pan to Terry

                                                       Terry
First of all, you've got to use twelve-point courier font. Not the new stuff, the old will do nicely. It's tradition. Now I know you won't have access to these formatting codes when you're on HBO, but the more important stuff is shown right here.

                                                    Camera
Pan to Andy and zoom out until Dave is shown, typing.
 
                                                       Andy
Like my big bro says, it's important to stick to the details.

                                                      Dave
And pay attention in English class.

                                                     Camera
Slowly pan toward closeup of monitor.

The lights fade to black as the words on the screen become visible. End scene.



- Dave.
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A tad fuzzy at parts, clear at others, just keep working on it. Take Dave's advice, or whatever it was Confused . Still, keep posting. I enjoyed it a little:

8/10 that was enjoyable.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

For emerging screen-writers, Script-buddy.com is a wonderful on-line tool that helps you format and write your screenplays quickly and easily. Only downside I've seen is that you can't really save it to your computer (it saves it on their servers), nor can you just send it to friends alone (you have to "publish" it, so everyone can see it then).
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought we were supposed to write stories....
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 11:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Screenplays are stories, just in different format.

If you mean straight prose literature, I suppose. But fan fiction isn't really that limiting.

Plays, poems, stories, etc could technically all fall under that category.
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monitor101
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PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2006 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One thing you never want to do when writing a screenplay is numbering the scenes.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2006 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not your general screenplay, but shooting screenplays do.
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peterbrooks
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PostPosted: Tue May 23, 2006 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh where did my post go!!

oh well im not retyping it. Thanks for the comments. I posted here because I was curious. Im glad you enjoyed it. You probably wont see me again. etc.
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