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The End (((Part One)))

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 4:56 pm    Post subject: The End (((Part One))) Reply with quote

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The End (((Part One)))
Posted by Alpha Halo Writer (wsandlin@yahoo.com)
13 May 2006, 10:22 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alpha_Halo_W0513062222161.html
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wrong way to introduce your characters, bud.

First up, I before E rule. That's a common mistake, and on a Halo site like this, that's no excuse. There are exceptions, but 'Chief' isn't one of those. It's pronounced "CHEEFE" not "Chiff" like you'd get from "Cheif."

Now formatting. Can't really say more there, except if you want to write, you should know it.

Pour some more effort into your stories, I'll pour more effort into commenting, and I'm sure the others will too.

- Dave.
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Bodie
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 10:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a bit hard to read, so follow the rules stated above^^^.

Quote:
All he knew was that his name was John. His designation: 117. His faction: the ODST. His home: Reach. It was being taken over by the Covenant Fleet. He knew that he was the last of his kind. The Last Spartan.


It should be:
Faction: SPARTAN II
By that time Reach was already destroyed by the Covenant.
John knows that he wasn't the last SPARTAN. He had Linda, Kelly, Will, Fred...

Quote:

I-I-I-I deeefiy g-gods and-d d-d-demonss.

I am your sheild. I am your source.


Should be:

I have defied gods and demons.
I am your shield, I am your sword.

All of your Cortana messages aren't consistant. At times you day shield, and at others you say sword. The same with defy and defied.

Quote:
Lord Grant C. Hood


From what I remember, his name is Lord Terrance Hood, or something like that.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 10:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol. John is a Spartan.
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 8:06 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

It is Chief. Not "Chief"

This is Fan FICTION! If bungie came up with this aleady it isn't orginal. Dude, please for every halo fan: Please don't copy from the halo 3 trailer.

I think Isna Noslee is DEAD. Ceased to be. He's a stiff. Bereft of life.
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Jesse16
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol "he noticed ships".


Duh?
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bungie said that the Halo 3 trailer took place after the Earth has been 'thoroughly conquered.' Not an hour after Halo 2 ends. Unless the Covenant are capable of that sort of thing, then you're spot-on.

There were some definite dee-dee-dee moments in there. I'm not really in the mood to go into deep detail, but it looks like everyone else already has you covered.
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