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The Rise of the Imperium

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 4:56 pm    Post subject: The Rise of the Imperium Reply with quote

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The Rise of the Imperium
Posted by Imperorator_Jon (darthbalfy@yahoo.com)
13 May 2006, 5:57 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Imperorator_0513060557211.html
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thedude12345
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Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 16

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Liked the story a lot. Deffinitly needs a sequal. Maybe try to give a little more info on the abilitys and/or the world and the diffrent social classes.(i mean like how the covenant came to be in the position thier in and how he got these abilities) Keep the good stories coming!!
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
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Location: Moop?

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, I will post some more on this. Just have to work on your pointers. Thanks for reviewing it!Very Happy Cool
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, good. I liked your setup of the whole background. Your beefy paragraphing was a little bothersome - try to start a new paragraph every time the speaker or topic changes, or if the mood of the story takes a significant new direction.

I would be interested to see this character expanded. Telekinetic powers? A friend in the Covenant circles? Now that sounds like a story.
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have tried to cut down the beefiness of the story I just submitted, but I have made the powers seem a little weak in the begining, just being able to enforce his charisma. I also added some stuff on the Covie past. I feel you will like the next installment. Very Happy
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, a few things to note.

  • Watch your repetition. When you PR, make sure that you use different synonymous words, or reword the sentence so that you avoid it completely.
  • Break those parapgraphs up! You used the code, but those paragraphs were immense. Break lines on each new dialogue, change of scene, or change of subject.
  • Don't use AN (author notes) in the story. This is a debatable matter, but I think it's much more professional to post any ANs on your comments thread (that would be here).


Otherwise, this is good. Interesting idea and plot line, but you still need to sharpen your writing up. I don't want to get too indepth right now, but as you progress we can address more issues. Keep going.

-Russ
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Sat May 20, 2006 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Russ, all critizm is needed, If I don't know, how can I learn? I will be sure to change any repetition and will remove the A/Ns. I only meant to use them in a situation that might make it feel.... unclear.
I will also try and decrease the size of my paragraphs, I just didn't want paragraphs that were too small, or too large. I just did a scene I felt important and then ended that scene with a paragraph. This is my first reviewed story, however. The other stories, were quite literally, toilet paper. This one is of a franchise I decided to take on, I see that I only have to work on it alittle and I will be all set. Very Happy So thanks for the reviews!
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Johny117
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Joined: 22 Feb 2006
Posts: 118

PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Already pointed out by other comments, but this was entertaining.
_________________
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
-Napoleon
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2006 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice plot. Couple of GPS errors, but good overall. The main problem for me was that the author's note wasn't separate from the main body of the text at all. No [hr], no bolding, no italicizing...not to be picky, but that really has started to annoy me recently. Nice charcter, though, and a good story.
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