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Created and Consumed (Chapters 1-3)
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 12:18 pm    Post subject: Created and Consumed (Chapters 1-3) Reply with quote

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Created and Consumed (Chapters 1-3)
Posted by Zyrra-Chylde-Aisha (sadistic_psycho_bitch@hotmail.com)
5 May 2006, 10:30 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zyrra-Chylde0505061030101.html
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STEEL RAIN
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PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 9:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well........ah...... that was different.
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thedude12345
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Joined: 06 May 2006
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PostPosted: Sat May 06, 2006 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was diffrent but i think it was a good story. And i have read fanfics with female Sangheili, so it wasn't that weird to me, keep the good stories comming Smile
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STEEL RAIN
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PostPosted: Sat May 06, 2006 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yea I have too, but..... a.... this was COMPLETLY unexpected. Not that theres any thing wrong with that.
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Zyrra
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PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2006 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you have any questions in regards to the fanfic, I'll happily answer them for you.
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
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Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2006 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that was great. Not everyday you get to read a story like that. Nice change from humans and continuous battles.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2006 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, let's get to work.

First up, we know writing requires virtuosity and talent. That's okay. We're also going to be fairly open - not all events have to follow the official information, although bending and breaking rules can be dangerous at times.

Ooohkay...

First up, code. Check out the guidelines, I left a more detailed approach up at the announcements section. There's not much that's left to be said, but I'm glad your stuff was well formatted.

Alright. The opening parts pass pretty quick, which doesn't always sit fine with me, but since this more of a stream-of-thought style of narration, I'll take it easy. The beginning was quite quick and once the character starts to 'wake up' to her harsh reality, it's quite attention-getting.

But...

I'll have to read the rest later, when I can. There's one issue, and that's chapter dumping, which may scare off a lot of readers, or cause them to 'indefinetly postpone' reviewing your stuff. My reccomendation would be to slow down and post chapter by chapter, going at a slower, easier rate. First build up your readers, then once they're dedicated, feel free to chapterdump. But don't reel in before the fish bite, as MCC would say.

Alright, catch you later.

- Dave.
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Michael Archer
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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2006 4:13 pm    Post subject: name Reply with quote

I haven't read it yet but,

Halo Fanatic 2006? Come up with a more original name man!

I'll read it when I get back from school.
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Johny117
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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 10:59 pm    Post subject: Re: Created and Consumed (Chapters 1-3) Reply with quote

Hm, that was a long read. I think I've grown a beard as long as Santa now Very Happy . But, overall I liked most of the story. Quite different
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very detailed, very excellent. However, you used too many of the [hr]s than I would like, but I think you did a better job than, let's say,me?
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Zyrra
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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2006 9:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To Dave,
Thank you for the criticism, this story began as just a 'spare time' thing which explains the fast beginning, see I come from a RPG site which tends to be thrust through a storyline quite rapidly most of the time. I'm developing still and I thank you for the advice on 'Chapter Dumping', from what I understand you mean submit the chapters one by one correct?

To all,
I apologise for the long submission, I'll try to send in shorter installments in the future.

Fourth chapter will be a little while, stay tuned though.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2006 2:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Submitting chapters one by one, yes. Exactly what we mean. Let me say that you're one of the more polite new guys who come around and actually have decent talent, and welcome to the HBOFF Brotherhood.
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HeRetic_616
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Joined: 12 May 2006
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PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I would like to say WOW! That was a really good story. You did a pretty good job on your character developement, despite the whole Sangheili race looking pretty much the same. I was really compelled to read on, heck, even the blurb sounded good! There were a few things to work on a bit, like description of environments, but I still got a good image in my head of them all. I enjoyed the whole thing and I cant wait for more. Keep it coming! Very Happy
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is amazing. I want more!!!! Very Happy . Write them as fast as possible!!! I love it to be honest.
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Chiajy
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 4:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think it was great!
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