HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Commander: Heresy

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 12:18 pm    Post subject: Commander: Heresy Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Commander: Heresy
Posted by Cthulhu117 (spartan_eric_271@yahoo.com)
4 May 2006, 9:11 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1170504062111171.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Halo Fanatic 2006
Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This long awaited chapter is finally here. Good again. 9.9/10
And why did Half-jaw/'Gamsamee say that Orna's life did not matter to him?

-HF06
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The life of a filthy heretic shall never, I say never, be of consequence to a High Commander of the Sangheili!!!11!one! Well, he's kind of pissy right now to be honest. He's been under a lot of stress lately. Two people he thought were dead have recently proved themselves to be alive. Now he's being sent on a mission to do exactly what Tiro just told him not to do. On top of that, he's a little bit angry that he wasn't made the Arbiter. Although he says to himself that he wouldn't want to be, he's always looked up to that position with near-reverence, and it hurts him more than he's let on to be passed over in favor of 'Fulsamee. Therefore, he feels that the Arbiter has dishonored him. But he is still willing to reacknowledge 'Fulsamee as a brother, even if he hates the Arbiter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
STEEL RAIN
Member


Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 136
Location: WI, New York

PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay it's here it's here.......... Read it, another good one.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Halo Fanatic 2006
Member


Joined: 17 Apr 2006
Posts: 139
Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Sat May 06, 2006 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You don't have to tell me twice. I've read these stoires since Sangheili.

As for the story, I guess that makes sense now.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mub
Member


Joined: 26 Jul 2006
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 6:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"He sat and waited until he was sure he could move again. Then, for the first and only time in his life, Eraa 'Gamsamee threw up"

He also vomited after he put Crasta Hul out of his misery in the Neophyte trial.

Great story though Very Happy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And someone finally points that out. I cannot believe that I did not notice that at first. Embarassed
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Syotica
Moderator


Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 579
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Fri Jul 28, 2006 6:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Firstly;

Quote:
Ninth Age of Reclamation
Year of the Prophets 97201
Covenant Holy City High Charity
Docking Station Alpha


I wouldn't call it that. The name 'Alpha' isn't anywhere near Holy. Let's go with something more like this.

Quote:
Ninth Age Of Reclamation
Year of the Lord - 97201
Covenant Holy City High Charity
Docking Unit Six


If it was me, I would leave out the 'Year of the Prophets'. If I still left it in, I would call it more along the lines of 'Year of the Lord'. Why? Who do the Covenant revere more? The Prophets (the link to the gods), or the Gods themselves?

Quote:
"Chosen guard?" the Jiralhanae growled in somewhat more thoughtful tones.


That sentence sounded quite odd to me; let's go with something more like:

Quote:
"The Chosen Guard?" the Jiralhanae asked in a thoughtful growl that could have made the Unggoy shiver without even knowing it.


Your tense seemed to be a bit off in that. Work on it.

Quote:
The Jiralhanae took him at his word. "No, Excellency. You will wait in a visitor's suite until the Hierarchs send for you. This may not happen until the Prophet of Regret returns."


Interesting line. I felt that the "Visitor's Suite" term sounded much to human. Work on it. Make it more like this;

Quote:
The Jiralhanae agreed. "No, Excellency. You will wait in a pedestrian chamber until the Hierarchs send for you. I doubt this will happen until the Prophet of Regret returns to his post."


Small differences, but all the better.

Quote:
The construct nodded and waved his hand at the computer. It really was marvelous that the most advanced security systems of the Covenant, a 24,000-bit modulating encryption key, could so easily be overthrown by a simple construct. For the first time in years, 'Gamsamee wondered what Azathoth really was.


Sounded much too human.

Quote:
This construct presented by our gods nodded, and waved at the computer. Data passed through the room faster than the known gods could count for, and the simple encryption key was slaughtered with in a a hair of a miliunit. The construct surpassed anything in it's known way, giving 'Gamsamee a curious thought as to what Azathoth was, and how the Gods put it into a reality such as this.


Simply eliminate all the traces that could have made this more human, and you have a much better look at how the Covenant would view something, with religious Zeal and intent.

Quote:
"Ah," said the AI in a satisfied voice. "I've gotten you through the one camera they didn't turn off. Your brother's mission recorder is still active. Here we go."


I seriously recommend rewriting that bit with a much more ornate feel. Have you seen the Covenant POV in the end of "First Strike"? The large amount of vocabulary and reference to the gods is how their minds are tainted on the universe, poisoned by the Prophets. That will all change in my next Fan Fiction. </spoiler> Razz

In all, erase anything that could have sounded human, and don't use anything that could 'sound' human. This is the Covenant, and the Covenant hate the humans. Remember that? Until, later, of course. (After the timeline that this Fan Fiction takes place).

Good job man, keep it up, and remember what I've told you. your much better than most of the Covenant POV I usually take a look at. Good job. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Jul 29, 2006 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
If it was me, I would leave out the 'Year of the Prophets'. If I still left it in, I would call it more along the lines of 'Year of the Lord'. Why? Who do the Covenant revere more? The Prophets (the link to the gods), or the Gods themselves?


I was thinking about calling it "Year of the Forerunners", but I'm not sure that the Covenant know exactly when the Forerunners were up and around, and anyway the Covenant didn't form until way after the Forerunners' disappearance. I chose to call it "Year of the Prophets" instead, and by the way, it's supposed to be 17201. 97201 is a mistyping which I cleverly copied and pasted into the next few chapters. Embarassed

I left out most of the references to the Forerunners or Gods because 'Gamsamee isn't really a very religious sort of person. He believes in the Forerunners' existence, obviously, because he's seen the Halos, and also because he's had that drummed into his head since he was born. But he doesn't really see the Forerunners as something that deserves the utter reverence with which the rest of the Covenant treat them. This is mostly because of Azathoth. He says that he comes from the Forerunners and his whimsical and slightly neurotic manner has influenced 'Gamsamee more than he realizes. He doesn't show the Forerunners the respect that everyone else does. Familiarity breeds contempt.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mub
Member


Joined: 26 Jul 2006
Posts: 3

PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Quote:
The construct nodded and waved his hand at the computer. It really was marvelous that the most advanced security systems of the Covenant, a 24,000-bit modulating encryption key, could so easily be overthrown by a simple construct. For the first time in years, 'Gamsamee wondered what Azathoth really was.



Sounded much too human.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but on the Halo 2 level "High Charity", when Cortana is placed in the Covenant network she herself calls it a 24,000 bit modulating encryption key
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Azathoth
Member


Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's in Halo 1, actually, on the Truth and Reconciliation. Cortana references a 128,000-bit modulating encryption key. Takes her quite a while to finish cracking it. Actually it takes her however long it takes you to kill two Hunters, iirc, but still, she's 'human'. Therefore, one would assume that 'Gamsamee might not use the term. I'm not sure. He has a very odd faith system for a Covie, and by odd I mean 'slightly deficient'. He's really almost a natural skeptic.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Syotica
Moderator


Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 579
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Sun Jul 30, 2006 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, if the Humans use the term, usually the Covenant stay away from it.
_________________
The Front Page ~ A new level of intellectual discussion.
http://tfp-forums.com
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group