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Marooned | Chapter 2 | Escape

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 1:29 pm    Post subject: Marooned | Chapter 2 | Escape Reply with quote

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Marooned | Chapter 2 | Escape
Posted by The Meep (
28 April 2006, 2:02 am
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Cassus Falco

Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 58
Location: Oh, I'm hanging around near a picket fence on a grassy knoll off Dealey Plaza.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


What can I say?


What was with saying buildings five times in as many sentences? What was with having someone scream over screaming?

It was okay. The plot was good, the story has some potential. Just remember your grammar, punctuation and spelling.
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337

Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dang. That phrase really has caught on these days. GPS... I remember when just a couple people used it.

But, regardless.

The first thing that struck me was how you opened the chapter. An interesting way of doing it. I'm still not sure whether or not that it was a good or bad way to do so, but it certainly is not the normal way of going about a chapter introduction.

Opening with all that... Jumbled, but it doesn't really get in the way. However, though the first section (pre first horizontal rule) was alright, the second bit in bold I would point out.

That's a huge example of telling. Done well, but even so, I don't much care for telling either way. Now, telling, of course, is when you simply throw down the material for the reader to see. "John walked to the store and bought groceries." Problem is, that's not the most pleasant piece of text to read. It's simple. It works in dialogue because a person would tell another person. But you can't get away with that in narrative.

You must show the reader. Don't get me wrong, telling us what these things were before going into a story does inform us, and can't be deemed as completely wrong; but niether would I condone it in any form. When you crack open a good novel -- even the most science fiction or fantasy book you can find -- they don't explain these things to you before you start reading. Most readers would skip right over that (which some might have been tempted to do in this case). Just think about it: If you see a big list of terms at the beginning of a novel, are you gonna take the time to read 'em?

Maybe, maybe not. If you do, you'll most likely get bored and skip the latter half. But, regardless, if you can't figure out what those things -- objects or terms -- are by just the narrative, the author hasn't done a very good job of explaining sans telling.

And that's what you should work towards accomplishing. Don't rely on explaining certain items before even starting the story. That's a crutch, and a bad one at that. Instead, learn to describe and explain with your details, showing the reader and letting them know without bluntly stating the information [if you can help it].

Details, Meep, details.
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