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A Sangheili Story: Chapter 1, Brute Betrayal.

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2006 1:28 pm    Post subject: A Sangheili Story: Chapter 1, Brute Betrayal. Reply with quote

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A Sangheili Story: Chapter 1, Brute Betrayal.
Posted by Bodie (bodie_bumm@hotmail.com)
27 April 2006, 6:36 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Bodie0427060636031.html
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Cassus Falco
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Joined: 12 Mar 2005
Posts: 58
Location: Oh, I'm hanging around near a picket fence on a grassy knoll off Dealey Plaza.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 1:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, I like the name of your Prophet. Ha-ha, Nobility. That's cool. But there's more. There were a few mistakes, spelling and grammatical mostly, but also a lot of paragraphing errors.
Quote:
"Its contents can't be that large, Excellency!" exclaimed 'Hatumee, the weapons officer,
"The Brutes aren't smart enough to write anything so large! I would delete the message if I were you."

Who is it that is talking in the second paragraph above? Was it 'Hatumee?
Quote:
"'Tekajee! Did we have any decoding programs onboard our ship?" The Zealot asked the communications officer.

Did we have any decoding programs? Shouldn't it be do we have any decoding programs? Also, ships always have decoding programs aboard, in case they get encrypted orders from High Charity, or Covenant High Command or whatever.

The story was dong gua gua, aside from these and a few other mistakes. It gave an excellent chance for readers to see into the other side of the story of the Covenant Civil War.
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Bodie
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Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 26
Location: Perth, Australia

PostPosted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for your kind comments and critisizm.
But what does 'dong gua gua' mean? I take it means something good?

Quote:
"Its contents can't be that large, Excellency!" exclaimed 'Hatumee, the weapons officer,
"The Brutes aren't smart enough to write anything so large! I would delete the message if I were you."


Yeah, I think i used an indent where I wasn't ment to. It was 'Hatumee.

Quote:
"'Tekajee! Did we have any decoding programs onboard our ship?" The Zealot asked the communications officer.


Should have made myself clearer. Did they have any onboard before the attack on Reach. As for always having a decoding program onboard, again, I didnt think about that.

What grammatical mistakes are you talking about, could you please point them out? Thanks for reading and helping!
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