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The Last Halo part 2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 5:30 am    Post subject: The Last Halo part 2 Reply with quote

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The Last Halo part 2
Posted by pest/swingamajig (car_radical@yahoo.co.uk)
15 April 2006, 4:59 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=pestswingama0415061659181.html
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Kayleigh
How is that supposed to be pronounced? KALEA? Oh well, on to more important things, such as the rest of your story.
Quote:
"This is serious, John, stay focused", the AI Cortana told him. "How many times have I told them? Don't install Xbox ports on space ships. As many soldiers have died in battle as have been corrupted by video games."
Was he playing Halo? Hmmmm? Confused
Quote:
Safely onboard the Trial and Tribulation, John 117
This sounds more like the name of a Covenant ship to me. Is this a Covenant or Human ship?
Quote:
He held out his hand in thanks but Kayleigh instead rushed forward and hugged him.
It seems strange that a Spartan would do something like this in hostile territory; it would seem more sensible if it were somewhere else, but that's just my view on it.
Quote:
Meanwhile, somewhere in Beta Halo's library a hysterical floating orb named 426 Closed Circuit floated around the giant structure and hummed to himself, whilst analysing the data given to him by his Sentinels:
"Bring me the red armoured reclaimer."
Curses, what kind people like to leave us readers with cliff-hanger endings? Oh wait, I do. Mr. Green Overall I'd have to say that this story is...awesome. To add to that I hardly noticed any GPS errors. I'm going to have to go and read the first one now, but this one gets a 9/10.
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pest/swingamajig
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Joined: 16 Apr 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the good review, where i am from you get a fair few Kayleighs so I assumed everyone would know how to pronounce it!
By the way if you read the first part it will explain why the ship sounds so Covenant-y in the Prologue.
Screw the 3 or 4 part series idea, ive got too much left to write...
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So far, this series is a really worth reading to anyone. It's very, very good. Hardly any GPS errors, a lot of realism and good 'showing' of situations, so most people know what's going on, and much more. I have to admit you have me pretty hooked to the series.

Okay, don't rush anything. take it easy and keep proofreading as well. You have a really good skill as a writer, and I'm glad to have someone like you around here that just started writing (as I think you have) and have this much skill... Most people don't get farther than fifth - grader skill writing. Keep it up!

- JC
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pest/swingamajig
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 7:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh thanks, im actually sixteen so I guess that is a compliment! Its so hard to check through something and not have GPS errors with this old computer!
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 8:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm using a relatively old PC myself, but far better than I had first... *shivers* But anyway, great work.

- JC
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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Joined: 17 Apr 2006
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Location: Azeroth, I can't find my way out!

PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool, I liked it, and the rest of the series. Keep it up!

Just one problem though. You put the commas for speech outside the marks. They should be inside the speech.
Quote:
"I never thought I would see you again", she said squeezing him tighter.

This is what it should look like...
Quote:
"I never though I would see you again," she said sqeezing him tighter.

Oh, and have a look at this...
Quote:
[inent]"Kill it now, Barkley" ordered Kayleigh.

Whoops! Very Happy

Well done, 9.6/10
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pest/swingamajig
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dont worry I'll fix it for the third part. Its pretty dark at the moment not sure whether to edit it a bit. Should be finished by wednesday...
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herosaber
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PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 6:57 am    Post subject: jackals? Reply with quote

Quote:
"Sir, the Elites have arrived and are standing by for deployment, they have brought Jackals and Grunts for support"


Didn't the Jackals betray the rest of the covenant?
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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PostPosted: Thu May 18, 2006 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, they did, I never noticed that. Jackals were indeed fighting for the Brutes, unless they surrendered or something.
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herosaber
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 2:55 am    Post subject: perfect series. Reply with quote

i doubt it.
apart from mistakes in these series, this is the best series in this forum which i have read so far.
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 8:45 pm    Post subject: Re: perfect series. Reply with quote

herosaber wrote:
i doubt it.
apart from mistakes in these series, this is the best series in this forum which i have read so far.

Then read mine in my sig...


If you care to wast your time.
And where's Part 5?
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