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A Dream (Maybe)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:40 pm    Post subject: A Dream (Maybe) Reply with quote

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A Dream (Maybe)
Posted by Solidus Snake (Metal_Melitia18@hotmail.com)
8 April 2006, 12:09 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Solidus_Snak0408060009141.html
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sad

I hope someone likes it.
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STEEL RAIN
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm trying to figure out the pov, but other than that it was pritty cool!
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is pretty good, and gramatically correct. The poem was very straight up, which made it even better. The cussing was a little too much, but hey, it's your poem and you can choose to say anything you want. Anyway, good job.
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STEEL RAIN
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The cursing was spot on, it set the mood.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. STEEL, the POV? Well, if you really think about it, there is no POV. Why, because the guy is dead, all that happen, never exist. Confusing, huh, kinda like the Matrix. Smile

Its one of those things where I try to throw everyone off. Twisted Evil

As for the cussing, well, it just shows everyone is cool with cussing. But, if you read my other works, you can see that the cussing kind of gives me my style. My indentity, and a piece of my mind. Hah.

Thanks.

\m/ Twisted Evil \m/
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STEEL RAIN
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*points finger at Snake* You messed with my mind, now you must suffer!

You did an exalent job at throwing me off!

Please SR for short!
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice, Solidus.

Liked the presentation of this. Very unique, what with the inclusion of the paragraphs. Yet, it maintained its poeticness.

Good job, man.

Rock on.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting. Spotted two very noticable grammar issues in there. The first was a double negative and can be written off as dialect of the speaker. The second was misuse of "their" where "they're" should have been. Tisk, tisk.

Good... narrative poem overall. Interesting format, but it worked out very nicely. Story behind it... Interesting. A good read, to be sure. A bit odd, but, then again, what by you isn't Wink . The realization that the guy's dead wasn't focused on too much, but, for effect's sake, I suppose it was okay that way. The ending line, though... Interesting.

Overall, I liked it. A different sort of poem with a different sort of mood to it. Very nice. But I'm telling you... if you were to throw out some true narrative fiction... Keep up the good work, Solidus.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MC's Cousin wrote:
Interesting. Spotted two very noticable grammar issues in there. The first was a double negative and can be written off as dialect of the speaker. The second was misuse of "their" where "they're" should have been. Tisk, tisk.


Not sure what all this double negative buisiness really means. Care to explain old buddy. And I think you're seeing things, man. Very Happy I don't think I even used "their" anywhere in it.

Hah, as long as I had you stumped, I did my job. Hahha, so, am I evil?

Thank, glad you read it.

\m/Twisted Evil\m/
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Doesn't matter if their white, black, Asian, or anything. I wish it just was a dream,


There's your use of their instead of they're.

Quote:
They don't spare no one,


And there's that double negative. You use "don't" -- which is do not -- and "no one". Two negatives in the same sentense. It's like saying "I didn't see nothin'!" Yeah, it's understandable, and some people talk that way (that's why I said I'd let it slide). But, gramatically... That's the same thing as saying "They do spare one." So, "They don't spare anyone" would have been better in this case. But, like I said, if it was just how the guy talks...


So, there you go.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 12:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My bad MC, I missed that Embarassed

And I guess the double negative stuff makes a little sense.

Hey thanks, man.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 12:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't have any right to comment on poems, seeming as I never write any, but I liked the raw emotions in this one. Your flow was a little convoluted though, and there seems to be an excess of swearing....or maybe that's for atmosphere.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2006 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol, you call that excess? Its nothing compare some earlier work. Believe me, I have cut down on the swearing. Only using it to set the mood and all, and its the guy's personality too.

Thanks man.
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