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Biological Storage: Five

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:40 pm    Post subject: Biological Storage: Five Reply with quote

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Biological Storage: Five
Posted by Dagorath (hoyinshan@gmail.com)
7 April 2006, 12:46 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dagorath0407061246091.html
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*clicky clicky* Masta Cheeb with a rocket launch and a load of agents. Hmmm..... I like the idea of there being a secret room and Will having his own A.I. but don't you think the Agent's found it a little too easily? The Cheif seemed also that he was unable to control his armor for a little bit, nice touch.

All in Alll: 9.5/10 Very Very nice, add some Agent to Sparatan hand-to-hand combat and you are all set..... The Cheif is the One.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The scene where the attack team came into Will's appartment was good... But it could have been described a bit better. Things were blurry instead of crisp. And while that gets the job done... Well, you know. Same with the following description of the agent-vs-police bit. Watch that.

The progression of the chapter wasn't bad at all. Things moved along rather nicely. Though, the agents did find the room rather quickly. Given that Will's car was not stopped or anything... Though, I suppose the guard could have placed a call, or something similar. So, while I can believe it, and while it may have worked better for the armor... A bit quick.


Overall, this wasn't half bad. A good continuation. Just keep the plot moving, too. Gotta bring that sort of stuff back into play. As well as the other Spartans... Keep it up.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right. About how the agents found them, that's easy. They're *evil voice* evil. Remember how they found Will + John so easily right after Will found John? Thye're in the *evil voice again* Matrix, and therefore all-powerful....well, getting there. I'm simultaneously worried about if they're under- and if they're over-powered. You see, I'm trying to push John and Will into a tight spot that they can't get out of, but they seem to be able to worm their way out to well....

I'm proud of the uncontrolled armour bit, and let me be boastful, I think the analogy of the soldiers + commander was very nice. In the next chapter, we look at a very different perspective. And he does find that launcher.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 7:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome, simply awesome. I read your story and it comes clearly. MCC might have thought that the battles could have been described better, and he's probably right, but I thought it was fine(probably because the one's in my story are even worse, which reminds me that I need to get back to writing it!). The only problem that I noticed was that it wasn't indented. The story gets 9.9/10, Mad why didn't you indent! Oh well, I'm sure you can get a perfect 10/10 next time.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I could see what happened in my mind, don't get me wrong. What I meant was that things could have been clearer, more defined, etc. A "scene" can be written as to be recognizable, but that still doesn't mean it can't be written better.

This is what I get for being picky, though. I can barely watch a movie without critiquing it anymore... Wink
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 6:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No problem, dude. I always value your criticism, even if I can't follow it all the time.... Notice that there're a lot more descriptions in this chapter!
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't you worry -- I noticed. Very Happy
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Halo Fanatic 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I'll say somehting there, I thing this was great, pure genious to be exact. Although, sadly, nothing is perfect (Except Halo 2! Very Happy ), however everything that needs to be said has already been. So here's your, let's say, 9.8/10.

By the way my new series is called Forbidden Love. It will be coimng soon. Please read it, it's my best yet.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dagorath wrote:
Right. About how the agents found them, that's easy. They're *evil voice* evil. Remember how they found Will + John so easily right after Will found John? Thye're in the *evil voice again* Matrix, and therefore all-powerful....well, getting there. I'm simultaneously worried about if they're under- and if they're over-powered. You see, I'm trying to push John and Will into a tight spot that they can't get out of, but they seem to be able to worm their way out to well....

I'm proud of the uncontrolled armour bit, and let me be boastful, I think the analogy of the soldiers + commander was very nice. In the next chapter, we look at a very different perspective. And he does find that launcher.


The apartment scene is too reminiscent to Deus Ex... Agents, Police, raiding apartment, Will and John... Maybe I'm just overdoing it, except that scene in Deus Ex simply rocked, and I pictured much more the apartment in Deus Ex so the scene came better to my mind.

So, good work.

- JC
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 11:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Halo Fanatic 2006 wrote:
By the way my new series is called Forbidden Love. It will be coimng soon. Please read it, it's my best yet.


I won't delete this, but please keep the advertising to your signature, your story threads, or anywhere in the three OT forums (they're not my responsibility, after all). Please don't be posting this kind of stuff in the comments area. Thanks.
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