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Cardinal Sins: Chapter 3

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 12:25 pm    Post subject: Cardinal Sins: Chapter 3 Reply with quote

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Cardinal Sins: Chapter 3
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
7 April 2006, 3:31 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0407060331551.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
"Dinner is about to be served," Edwards announced...


Dinner? Sounds like they were actually about to eat breakfast.

Also, I thought they all seemed too happy, considering that they had lost one of their own the night before. I can understand them wanting to just move on and bury any feelings, but at the very least I think they would be solemn. You described them as chipper, which feels contradictory to what I would suppose they should be. The dialogue sort of helped, but even still, I think you should have toned up the remorse a little.

You wrote:
"Take it easy, would you," Jennifer said, offering some more helpful advice. Michael said nothing.
January
He turned back to gazing out his window after a few moments.


I'm not sure what that 'January' was about. A mistake or something important?

Overall, pretty good. It seemed to progress slowly, and I kept getting distracted by some things. First was the character responses; they seemed happy, serious, mad, annoyed and pleasant--basically, very moody. It would be nice to have them stick to one side of the street, as much as possible, so they don't come off as temperamental. Second was the way you described the situation of the city, as if this militia was performing something obviously horrible that everyone hated, and were getting away with it. You really need to throw some propoganda in there (for real Smile ) or start showing things from their side of things, or at least a neutral aspect. If they're in power, and only dissidents are opposing them, then someone has to like them or what they're doing. Try to show more of that, otherwise this may turn into a black-&-white story (that is, one side is absolutely good, and the other absolutely evil), and those types of story's are generally reserved for Hollywood.

Otherwise, well done. Descriptions are great, and the flow is nice. Keep up the great work, and I look forward to chapter four.

-Russ
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"Take it easy, would you," Jennifer said, offering some more helpful advice. Michael said nothing.
January
He turned back to gazing out his window after a few moments.


Woops. I put that in there to remind myself it was still January, as my description of the city before that was a spring description. I made a mental note to delete it, but forgot. How'd I miss that? Embarassed

About the CIF: the ambiguity of this story comes from the actions of the Cardinal Cell, not the CIF. The question is whether or not the protagonists are justified in what they're doing, not whether the Party is justified in what it's doing. How they are getting away with it is something that will become clear as the series progresses. Since only likeminded characters have been introduced so far, the opposing perspective has not had a chance to be given.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the comment russ. It's good advice; I'll try and work on what you suggested.
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