HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Remant [CH.1]
Posted by Alex Garcia (agarcia1337@yahoo.com)
6 April 2006, 7:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alex_Garcia0406061955021.html

ag1337 · Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 5:57 pm Post subject:

Thank you for reading my first chapter. I will accept any constuctive critism to further improve my writing skills. Working on the next chapter...

Spartan006 · Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:20 pm Post subject:

Okay, are you ready? The stories plot was good, but you repeated some of the stuff to much. Such as...

ag1337 · Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:44 pm Post subject:

Thanks for that. I'll remember to use that advice in my next chapter. You're right, saying Fred dozens of times will annoy readers. 6/10 Surprised

? Sounds good, but I can do better.

STEEL RAIN · Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 7:40 pm Post subject:

First thing that I noticed was that Tango companys CO was a NCO, Staff Sgt's lead squad's not companies, Captain's lead companies.

Other than that I liked it, I'll keep a look out for the next one!

ag1337 · Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:37 pm Post subject:

Thanks for reading. I should have mentioned that Sergeant Carter was a non-commissioned officer. And actually a captain doesn't always lead a company, if there was a shortage of personnel then the next in command would take over. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Currently working on Chapter 2: "Parting Gift"

STEEL RAIN · Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:50 pm Post subject:

Next in line would be a Lt, and Captain is a command position, he'd be a pencil pusher!

And, you welcome.

ag1337 · Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:06 am Post subject:

Come on people... I want to know how you felt about my first chapter. Please comment and give advice. Thanks.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:11 am Post subject:

What did you think of it?

ag1337 · Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:14 am Post subject:

I thought it was good for being my second fan fiction. I didn't just slap some crap together and call it a story. I actually thought about what I was writing, unlike some people. Anyway, I know what I think... what do you think?

Bodie · Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:30 am Post subject:

Ok story, but one mistake I can see

Sidney, Australia should be Sydney, Australia

ag1337 · Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:10 pm Post subject:

Oh, yeah-oops. Thanks, well it's too late to change it now. Anyway thanks for reading, I'm working on chapter 2.

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:53 pm Post subject:

Its been a while since I read a good plot in a story for a while. Or I just dont come here to often.

You had a good story =) I liked it. and would want to read that next chapter.

but this chapter. only puzzling thing is. that i doubt ackerson, no matter how stupid he may be, would write a message saying almost everything on the mission to come since it can be intercepted and all ya know?
well ttyl.
good luck.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

ag1337 · Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:08 am Post subject:

Yeah, thanks for the compliments. And it would make more sense for Ackerson to say it out loud than in a message... or would it? Think about it, if Ackerson hated the Spartan program-maybe he wanted it to be intercepted. Maybe... Twisted Evil

Cassus Falco · Posted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:35 am Post subject:

Very good, 1337. One massive preoblem. I am an Australian. I live about two hours from Sydney, the location of the 2000 Olympics. I mean god, do your freakin' research. Other than that good. I agree with what some of your other constructive critics said. Anyways, apart from the gorram Sydney blunder I give you 5/10

Peace Out, Y'all!