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Remant [CH.1]
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 12:25 pm    Post subject: Remant [CH.1] Reply with quote

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Remant [CH.1]
Posted by Alex Garcia (agarcia1337@yahoo.com)
6 April 2006, 7:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alex_Garcia0406061955021.html
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for reading my first chapter. I will accept any constuctive critism to further improve my writing skills. Working on the next chapter...
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, are you ready? The stories plot was good, but you repeated some of the stuff to much. Such as...
Quote:
Sergeant Von Tross left the room. Fred removed his patient robe and started to slip on the components of the new armor. Fred placed on the breast plate, the hand gauntlets, and finally the helmet. The helmet had an orange reflective visor. The armor's systems started to integrate to Fred neural interface. The sergeant walked back into the room
Instead of saying something like, "Fred did this, and Fred did that, then Fred went and took a nap." You should put, "Fred did this, and he did that, then he went and took a nap." If you're talking about the same person, use he, she, it, etc. Also, use a comma instead of a dash, it looks alot nicer. Anyways, that's all that I saw. It gets a 6/10 Surprised
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for that. I'll remember to use that advice in my next chapter. You're right, saying Fred dozens of times will annoy readers. 6/10 Surprised? Sounds good, but I can do better.
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STEEL RAIN
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Joined: 23 Jan 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 7:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First thing that I noticed was that Tango companys CO was a NCO, Staff Sgt's lead squad's not companies, Captain's lead companies.

Other than that I liked it, I'll keep a look out for the next one!
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for reading. I should have mentioned that Sergeant Carter was a non-commissioned officer. And actually a captain doesn't always lead a company, if there was a shortage of personnel then the next in command would take over. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Currently working on Chapter 2: "Parting Gift"
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STEEL RAIN
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 9:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Next in line would be a Lt, and Captain is a command position, he'd be a pencil pusher!

And, you welcome.
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Come on people... I want to know how you felt about my first chapter. Please comment and give advice. Thanks.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What did you think of it?
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was good for being my second fan fiction. I didn't just slap some crap together and call it a story. I actually thought about what I was writing, unlike some people. Anyway, I know what I think... what do you think?
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Bodie
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok story, but one mistake I can see

Sidney, Australia should be Sydney, Australia
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, yeah-oops. Thanks, well it's too late to change it now. Anyway thanks for reading, I'm working on chapter 2.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Its been a while since I read a good plot in a story for a while. Or I just dont come here to often.

You had a good story =) I liked it. and would want to read that next chapter.

but this chapter. only puzzling thing is. that i doubt ackerson, no matter how stupid he may be, would write a message saying almost everything on the mission to come since it can be intercepted and all ya know?
well ttyl.
good luck.
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ag1337
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, thanks for the compliments. And it would make more sense for Ackerson to say it out loud than in a message... or would it? Think about it, if Ackerson hated the Spartan program-maybe he wanted it to be intercepted. Maybe... Twisted Evil
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Cassus Falco
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good, 1337. One massive preoblem. I am an Australian. I live about two hours from Sydney, the location of the 2000 Olympics. I mean god, do your freakin' research. Other than that good. I agree with what some of your other constructive critics said. Anyways, apart from the gorram Sydney blunder I give you 5/10

Peace Out, Y'all!
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