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War Pigs

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 12:25 pm    Post subject: War Pigs Reply with quote

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War Pigs
Posted by War Pig (CarrotheadXXL@aol.com)
6 April 2006, 3:08 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=War_Pig0406060308551.html
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ag1337
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Location: In your head...torturing your mind.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, the story was rather short. Second of all, your grammar wasn't very good at all. You used run-on sentences(I'm sure you know what that is) in the first part of your story. You wrote: He ran to the corner where he left his rifle and SMG and ran out the bunker door.. That doesn't look very good. You should try to spread out the sentence instead of forcing it in a hurry. Maybe you should have wrote; 'He sprinted toward the corner where he had left his Battle Rifle, and his SMG. After scooping up the weapons he ran for the bunker door.' Looks nicer that way. Another thing is, are those marines Helljumpers or what? You wrote that one marine single-handedly charged a Wraith and killed several Elites. He chopped off an Elites arm-pretty unrealistic. [/i]
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
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Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, use the Code! It will help the readibility of your story greatly. Second, like 1337(who needs to quit typing everything in bold Surprised ) said, it was unrealistic. If you turn your marine into a superman-type character, no one will want to read your story. If your person was a Spartan, then it would have been a little bit more realistic.
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California

PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wouldnt mind reading about a superhuman marine, as long as I get a reason for him having ridiculous biceps and whatnot. Very Happy Hell, any reason is better than none. I would rather read about a mutated marine who fell in radioactive gravy than a marine who spontaneously has the strength to slaughter several Elites.

o_O

Something that hasnt been mentioned yet, pay attention to your verb tenses and stuff.

Quote:
He ran to his pillbox and saw his friend Private Zack Grinder shooting away at grunts dropping them dead.


That sentence is in past-tense, where you tell what is happening sort of like it already happened. "Ran" instead of "runs" and "saw" instead of "sees". This is how I recommend writing stories, in past tense.

Quote:
Private Marvin turns his safety off and fires away.


The very next sentence, you shift to present-tense. In my opinion, present tense is okay and even beneficial in some scenarios, such as if you are telling an extremely fast-paced story.

However, you should never shift from past to present tense or the other way around.

Overall, when I visualize this story as a whole and play it through my head, it's pretty good. It's just that the erratic language brings everything down....

PS... this story sort of reminds me of when I used to write random stories about me and my friends kicking ass. Hehe
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
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Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Isn't War Pigs an song with insane guitar? Or maybe I'm wrong nad it's just moderately good guitar, or maybe it's not a song. Egh.
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Berconius
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Joined: 15 Aug 2004
Posts: 160
Location: New York/Ohio

PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

War pigs were also a nice little vehicle designed, built, and used by the Army Special Forces during the initial phases of the Iraq war. Can't recall the base chasis, but it is detailed in Master of Chaos. However, I do not think that this has any relevence to the story.

Theme disagreements aside, you may want to reconsider your use, or lack thereof, of commas.
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STEEL RAIN
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Joined: 23 Jan 2006
Posts: 136
Location: WI, New York

PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

War Pig's is my favorite song by Black Sabbath.

Yea . . . all I saw is already covered.
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Cassus Falco
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Joined: 12 Mar 2005
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Location: Oh, I'm hanging around near a picket fence on a grassy knoll off Dealey Plaza.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 09, 2006 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was okay, but still not too great. When I was reading it I was wondering what the point was. I agree with just about everything other people have written, but the biggest thing that stuck out at me was the fact that it was very rushed: the switching from past to present tense wasa little to much for me. Still, I think you should keep working and I will read your next one.

Peace Out, Y'all!
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right: where to start (again)? Commas: for instance:

Quote:
The marines jump out the window escaping death narrowly.


It ought to be:

Quote:
The marines jump out the windowm escaping death narrowly.


And so on. This was at a breakneck pace - yes, I know it's an action short - and lots of GPS mistakes were made. I dunno about the superhuman Marines: you should read this fic for "pure action".

Advice? Print it out, read it over, do corrections. Always. You'll spot the mistakes instantly.
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
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Location: California

PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 4:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh really, Dagorath? Laughing

Haha.

Did you say it should be

Quote:
The marines jump out the windowm escaping death narrowly.


Well it ought to be

Quote:
The marines jump out the window, escaping death narrowly.


Hehe. Well I'm not gonna make it look like I stopped here again just to be an ass, so I'll comment on the story a bit more.

One tip that I can give you that I think would be real useful - you tell us that the marines jumped out of the window, escaping death narrowly. Now, there's something even more important than a comma that needs to be added. Detail. Detail. Detail.

I don't believe that as you wrote this, it played through your mind that these marines were simply "narrowly escaping death". No. As you wrote this, you also imagined in your mind an explosion that blasted debris in all directions. Only thing is, you didn't include any mention of an exposion, just the fact that "death was narrowly escaped".

Remember, as you write, include a description of EVERYTHING that is part of the scene you're writing about. Don't assume that we as readers can automatically envision an explosion and that excuses you from adding detail.

Heh. Well thats my 2 cents. Or 75 cents. Or 3 dollars.
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Dagorath
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Joined: 03 Apr 2005
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Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hehehe. You spotted my intentional mistake. Just testing you Very Happy Really.
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