HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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One Explosion Kills All
Posted by Sentinel (X13@austin.rr.com)
8 October 2004, 4:21 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=sentinel.1008040421461.html

Sentinel · Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2004 12:27 am Post subject:

What, no comments.

MasterSushi · Posted: Sat Oct 09, 2004 9:34 am Post subject:

It's not too bad.
To be honest I only skimmed through it. This is because it hurt my head just looking at it. Try breaking up the large bodies of text with more paragraphs. Also there were a few grammatical mistakes. You said you wrote it a while back and that's it's not your best and I believe you. You seem more than capable at writing but as I said I only skimmed through it (sorry, I might read it in more detail later.) Also if you wrote it a while back I don't feel like you updated it. If I write something and post it I almost always think of something better, just a little thing I wish I had put in. If you wrote it time before you could have split it into those all important paragraphs and added little tit bits that you thought of afterwards. You have an awesomely big list of stories and you must enjoy writing. And you should do, you're good. Keep up the good work soldier!

"Oh sweet. lord.. the fish......There eating my.. face!!! Aaarrrghhh."