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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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 Posted: Fri Mar 31, 2006 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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It seemed a little short, and your lack of code made your story seem a little bland. Next time use the code, and don't worry about rushing through it. Take your time and try to lengthen the story a little bit. 6/10
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Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006. |
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Halo Fanatic 2005
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Joined: 13 Jan 2006
Posts: 43
Location: The best place ever. So good, I haven't had time to find out where it is.
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| Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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It was very short, had a lot of GPS errors and could have used the Code. Don't try to rush in getting your story posted, take your time because I don't think HBO is about close overnight. You could even lengthen one sentence into a paragraph, here's an example:
You Wrote
| Quote: | | Delibarately distracting them, the Elites fired from the right so Sanbet could mow them down with ease. |
You Could Have Written
| Quote: | | The Elites fired thier weapons from the right, weighing down the numbers and giving Sanbet a chance to fire on them. The moment he pulled the trigger, a horde of blue-white plasma spat from the cannon and landed on the Heretic Grunts, sparying them in a rain of death. Dead bodies rolled down the sloped hall and weapons caught on the conveyor-belt moved down the room, falling into the abyss at the bottom. |
See the difference? Good luck if you write any more stories.
6/10
-HF05 |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 12:08 am Post subject: |
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| You wrote: | Delibarately distracting them, the Elites fired from the right so Sanbet could mow them down with ease.
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| Halo Fanatic 2005 wrote: | | The Elites fired thier weapons from the right, weighing down the numbers and giving Sanbet a chance to fire on them. The moment he pulled the trigger, a horde of blue-white plasma spat from the cannon and landed on the Heretic Grunts, sparying them in a rain of death. Dead bodies rolled down the sloped hall and weapons caught on the conveyor-belt moved down the room, falling into the abyss at the bottom. |
| I wrote: | The tight troop of Elites moved in slowly from the right, moving from cover to cover and forming a deadly crossfire, pinning the enemy down behind the many obsticles in the room. Their focus elsewhere, drawn quickly to this closer threat, the Heretics had left their right sides almost completely exposed, giving their full attention and return fire to the advancing shielded-warriors.
Sanbet saw his opening and opened fire. Blue fire burst from the tip of his rapidly-recycling cannon, reaching out in a near-solid line to every enemy within his relatively narrow sights. Half of the resisting Grunts were eliminated in seconds, their smoking corpses slumping to the riddled floor, some slipping onto the two energy conveyors, carrying them to the eventual precipice and dropping far below. |
Or two. And that's going light with description and explenation. Hell, that could have been a good four paragraphs.
Adding that extra material to your writing, as you can see, can do a lot. For one, it will make your work longer. Don't try to accomplish that by simply adding more story to the end -- if your story is no more dense than all the other material making it up, your problem will remain.
However, if you add in these sorts of details, beefing your writing up, making it more dense, that length problem will solve itself without you having to lengthen the actual stroy that you have going as is. (Though, I will point out, that how much story you get across is still an important aspect to your writing. Attaining that balance where you tell enough to acheive that good length along with the use of that detail can be quite difficult. That, I'm afraid, comes only through experience.)
Another thing that adding in this density will accomplish, totally disregardling length, is, well... detail. Adding in that description and that explenation produces a product that is so much more fun to read, and so much easier to understand. When you write your story, you have a concept in your mind, I'm sure. But the fewer details you use, the less-fully that idea is conveyed to your readers. Show that picture to them, don't just try to tell them with brief sentences.
Can you understand that difference? It takes time to really see that difference, to really discern what result they have, but with practice, you'll get it.
Plus, you've got a lot of people here that'll give you a whole lot of help. Good luck.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 1:03 am Post subject: |
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One more thing though.
When going with detail, know your abilities. And stay within them. Go too far, and you'll inevitably push yourself beyond what you can do, which will breed mistakes. Try not to use more flowery talk than you can. If you feel comfy and easy going all out, great. But if not, steer clear.
It's good to challenge yourself, but don't go too far. Also, be warned that sentence structure will play an important part with how your story is read. Lousy sentence structure can make a great story lousy, and good sentence structure can help mask a poor story.
Just remember where your abilities lie, and keep to your limits.
And also, your title is pretty damn stock. We've seen hundreds of titles going along similar lines. As SDN says, 'titles are a tool, not a summary.'
- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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ag1337
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Location: In your head...torturing your mind.
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| Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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| The story was alright, but kind of confusing at first. You really didn't have to include the part where the Covenant are leaving Halo. [Anyways I could of sworn that no one else besides the Master Chief, and a few other cyro-tubes containing others, made it off Halo. Cortana verified that.] Also you should use paragraphs in the beginning of sentences. It makes your story look a helluva lot nicer. |
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