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Outlaw six: Boots on the Ground

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:35 pm    Post subject: Outlaw six: Boots on the Ground Reply with quote

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Outlaw six: Boots on the Ground
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
20 March 2006, 6:20 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Andres0320061820551.html
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Odin of SoS.
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Joined: 27 Nov 2004
Posts: 85
Location: Iraq

PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, since no one else is going to comment, i'll come out of hiding. i enjoy your series. a few spelling and grammatical mistakes were repeated, but i still like it. dont stop writing cuz no one comments. takes a while to build a fan base.
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Andres
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Posts: 151

PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

dont worry...
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ag1337
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Location: In your head...torturing your mind.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, don't stop writing. I finally read this story and enjoyed it. One thing is, is that you shouldn't have included the setting in the beginning of the story. All of a sudden, the setting changes drastically. In some instances, you should include the date: 2505, other times-like in this case-you should let the reader find out the setting. I like your style of writing... hope this post boosted your morale.
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ag1337
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Location: In your head...torturing your mind.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 1:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oops... I forgot something.

You wrote:
"Ricardo…" she said as she crouched next to him. "How do you feel?"
"OK I guess."


You wrote OK, instead of okay... using the code really makes your story look nicer.
Besides a few spelling mistakes, it's pretty good. It's good to see that you put effort into this.
UNLIKE THIS- Garbage...
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ag, a warning.

Last thing we need is people disrespecting other peoples stories in other peoples threads. Don't do that again.

I'll read this in a little bit, Andres, when I have time.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 12:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andres. Been a long time. How's everything going?

Well, we'll cut the formalities for now - and the style mechanics of the story. Just for now.

First up, I found the baby scene quite disturbing. But that's an excellent way to get a reader to continue reading. Appealing to shock/emotion is always an effective way to get an audience to bite the bait.

But the scene beneath it sort of made that scene even out to neutral. It's like skimming. Try not to skim; if you're going to build a storyline, might as well go for all the elements. Or, if you can, start the story after the point where the old man's dying, and let the rest of the story fill in the gap and tell where the kid came from.

Alright, I'll finish up later. See you on MSN.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

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