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Long Time Gone Part 20

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 08, 2004 4:03 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 20 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 20
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
6 October 2004, 7:42 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.10060407424620.html
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 10, 2004 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It didn't seem like all of your military and squad things were quite right. Hmm... no, it didn't sound that correct.
Watch your grammar and sentense structure. Some things sounded off and not as good as I would have liked. Proofread better next time.
Your details were a little lacking as well. I just didn't see any descriptives in most of that. Also, watch out for repedetiveness. Plus, smooth out your scene changes.
And don't use the number sign (#) in a story. Type it out. That goes as well for numbers.
Try to make your explenations sound more realistic as well. It just sounded lacking when you tried to tell us what was going to happen and who was armed with what.
That dialogue didn't sound all that realistic either.
Watch your verb tenses, you switched around a little there.
Don't use that many excelmation marks. You used them after almost every dialogue piece, and I hope they weren't yelling every time. Besides, tha tjust doesn't look that good.

Overall, it didn't really strike me as any more thrilling than the previous ones. Just keep working and get some good inspiration.
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