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I See You
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 5:16 pm    Post subject: I See You Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

I See You
Posted by CoLd BlooDed (broken_lizard12@hotmail.com)
15 March 2006, 11:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CoLd_BlooDed0315062329171.html
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes! First comment!

Almost flawless rhyming. Real great up there, the rhyming keeps time and rhythm keeps it going well. I also like the short-short-long-long stanza structure, which also keeps things going well.

Awesome, a Hell Yeah, sir!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community

PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hell yeah!!

I haven't read one in a while by you, I think.

Its good to see you're still around making kickass of all kickass fiction.

I liked this one, I was guessing Flood than in the end it was about the Gravemind. Anyways, really great peom, I also like the setup you had.

\m/
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
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Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting, good work CoLd, hope to see you actually writing a bit more ey Very Happy.
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Psh. And you thought you sucked at writing now. Rolling Eyes

I liked it a lot. The rhyming scheme was intriguing, to say the least. There were only a couple instances when the flow was just slightly disrupted.
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys, I think I'm finally carving myself back into the writing groove, all I needed was the motivation... and The Strive to Survive; which now has been removed from my old harddrive and placed onto my new one.

So yes, expect The Strive to Survive to return and finish. Finally!

(for those of you who don't know what TStS is, check out my old stuff)

Wink
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
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Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 5:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job, Mr. Cold. Smile

Kay wrote:
Escaped, they did,
Broke free from binds,
Murdering with a single bid,
Murdering those with death in minds,


That is my favorite part. I like how you note that the biggest thing they take from you (or any living thing, for that matter) is not your life, but your mind. To me, that's worse than simply dying; perhaps one of the greatest tortures one could ever know.

Oh, and if I don't see the last part of TBOTB by next update, I'm going to jump in my car, drive to Hickville, yank you out of your trailer park, make you brush your teeth, and then sit you down at a computer and force you to write it.

Think I'm joking?

-R
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Mar 21, 2006 9:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I'll put laxative in your favourite bedtime drink, then set a bear trap by your bed! Then I'll tie a string to the line, tie it to the powerwinch on a truck, and when you step in it, you'll get caught, then dragged by your leg all the way to the Dave Luck Inc. headquarters to have your brain extracted, and the story translated from its remains!

Just kidding.

One of the things I enjoyed about this poem is that... I enjoyed it.

And that reason for enjoying a piece can't be refuted, no-no-nah-uh-nope!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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ag1337
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Joined: 15 Mar 2006
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Location: In your head...torturing your mind.

PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 2:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great poem! As I read it aloud I could hear the seemingly(almost)perfect rhythm. I think it is very detailed, excellent work.
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2006 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, man. Very Happy

And Russ, it'll be longer than that. I have a project that's due this week that was assigned monday, I have a shitty math teacher and a test at the end of the week, and... yeah.
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Syotica_disabled
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Joined: 23 Mar 2006
Posts: 6
Location: Those who know are deceased.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Controlled and incited,
Controlled by Gravemind.


Didn't ryme. Other than that, I loved it. You really won me over with that poem CoLd.
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
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Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Syotica, however...

Incited and Gravemind weren't meant to rhyme, bind and Gravemind were. Laughing
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
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Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CoLd BlooDed wrote:
Thanks, Syotica, however...

Incited and Gravemind weren't meant to rhyme, bind and Gravemind were. Laughing


Haha, ABAB always gets me. Laughing
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed, twas quite good young Padowan.

I thought there was ONE small part that seemed to lose a bit of the flow, but it quickly got back into it; so it really wasn't a big deal.

I give you an A+. Now let me go back to sleep.
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Sterfrye36
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: The Good Old US of A!

PostPosted: Sun Mar 26, 2006 4:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not that great at analyzing poetry, so I won't, but I will say that I enjoyed. I almost got goosebumps (and hopefully you will when you read Longsword R: Casualty. I think it actually caused Dave to lose his childhood innocence or something. Okay, maybe not. Razz ), but not quite. I did get really close, though. Much better put together than any sorry attempt at poetry from me could possibly be. I was actually trying to think of ways I could use this thing in Longsword R, but the last line prevented that. Ah, well, it's still an excellent poem. Smile
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