HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

In the middle of the night...

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 5:15 pm    Post subject: In the middle of the night... Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

In the middle of the night...
Posted by Alex Garcia (agarcia1337@yahoo.com)
15 March 2006, 4:22 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alex_Garcia0315060422031.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CoLd BlooDed
Moderator


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was decent. The flow was really off, detracted from the poem overall. Had you used shorter sentences, and fixed your rhyming so it didn't sound forced, this could've been really good.

Look at this:

You wrote:
They took me away, in the middle of the night
I was important to them, but I had no idea why
They took me from my family, from everything I ever knew
Wishing it was all a dream, I didn't know what to do


Twelve syllables,
Fifteen syllables,
Sixteen syllables,
Fourteen syllables.

You know what syllables are, right? I shouldn't have to explain them. Well, that's how many syllables you've got in each line - and frankly, there are just too many to let this stanza flow smoothly. This is the case for most of your stanzas, except this one.

You wrote:
The last of my kind, I remain
My pain is but a slow decay
While I am here the enemy is at bay
But when I'm gone, I cannot say


It's better, not perfect, but better. However, you changed the rhyme scheme at the very last second - it was going AA/BB, but on the last stanza you did A/B/A/B. Why?

If you're willing to listen, I'm willing to teach.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
ag1337
Member


Joined: 15 Mar 2006
Posts: 46
Location: In your head...torturing your mind.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 2:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the constuctive critism. I really wasn't worrying about how many syllables were in each stanza, but I was mostly trying to tell a story. I should improve on my rhythm.
If you have any more tips on how to improve my writing style, just let me know.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
CoLd BlooDed
Moderator


Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, thanks for replying. You don't know what it's like to type up a long comment, aiming to improve the authors work, and not get anything in return, not even a "thanks".

If you want to learn a little bit about proper rhyme flow, read "I See You". It was in the last update, it's pretty good. Don't remember the authors name, though.

(That's how it's done)
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Commander Demitri Wolf
Member


Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth

PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah correct, it's great to see someone who appreciates critisism and comments and doesn't ignore them or tell them to get stuffed, it's happened to me before. Wow CoLd, such a nice and modest suggestion for him to read there Razz. But he's right, read it.

For the record, Master Chief is Master Chief, not Masterchief XD. Some really good words and rhyming in there, especially the opening and closing stanzas, a godo opening and closing is important, and I think you nailed it, good work.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group