HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

In the middle of the night...
Posted by Alex Garcia (agarcia1337@yahoo.com)
15 March 2006, 4:22 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alex_Garcia0315060422031.html

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 11:18 pm Post subject:

It was decent. The flow was really off, detracted from the poem overall. Had you used shorter sentences, and fixed your rhyming so it didn't sound forced, this could've been really good.

Look at this:

ag1337 · Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 2:02 am Post subject:

Thanks for the constuctive critism. I really wasn't worrying about how many syllables were in each stanza, but I was mostly trying to tell a story. I should improve on my rhythm.
If you have any more tips on how to improve my writing style, just let me know.

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:21 am Post subject:

Hey, thanks for replying. You don't know what it's like to type up a long comment, aiming to improve the authors work, and not get anything in return, not even a "thanks".

If you want to learn a little bit about proper rhyme flow, read "I See You". It was in the last update, it's pretty good. Don't remember the authors name, though.

(That's how it's done)

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:31 am Post subject:

Yeah correct, it's great to see someone who appreciates critisism and comments and doesn't ignore them or tell them to get stuffed, it's happened to me before. Wow CoLd, such a nice and modest suggestion for him to read there Razz

. But he's right, read it.

For the record, Master Chief is Master Chief, not Masterchief XD. Some really good words and rhyming in there, especially the opening and closing stanzas, a godo opening and closing is important, and I think you nailed it, good work.