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SquadAK47: Path to Victory Pt.2

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2006 5:15 pm    Post subject: SquadAK47: Path to Victory Pt.2 Reply with quote

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SquadAK47: Path to Victory Pt.2
Posted by Spartan 006 (BillCounts@Mindspring.com)
10 March 2006, 7:59 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_0060310061959071.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, besides the small errors in your story I'll say it was good. Just...the name...SquadAK47? That's a gun, and I never heard of a squad named after a gun...
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, the name is kind of strange, but I think I have found a way that I can change it. When I named it I was in a hurry, so I thought, AK47...I don't know why, but that sounds like it would be good. It just goes to show that you shouldn't rush the title. I'm going to work the title change into my next story, so you will have to read it to figure out how it gets changed Smile.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

escarpment?

How on S.o.T.o.F. did you get on the comm.?"

his dual SMGs for purple rifle

They were being fired upon by a high-speed plasma turret from the Covenant-Warthog.

I searching the mainframe now

Those are the biggest problems in your story..little minor flaws that do end up standing out to the reader. You'll probably look at them now and go "doh, how did I do that!" Just proofread a little bit more.

Story itself was okay, a little bit shallow perhaps...can't say I totally felt with any of the characters. Try a little harder with that. Otherwise, it was pretty good. Keep it up.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're right, how did that happen? Oh well, it's on there and it can't be changed. Thanks for the constructive criticism. I'm always open for criticism, as long as it's to make the story better. Here are some of the answers to your questions,
Quote:
escarpment?
it's a word I had to find the meaning of during school. It's actually just a fancy word for 'a cliff'. Next question,
Quote:
How on S.o.T.o.F. did you get on the comm.
this one gets technical,you see to them, S.o.T.o.F., is their whole world. So where we would say, "What in the world!" they would say, "What on S.o.T.o.F.!" As for getting on the comm., Jude hacked into the network from the central computer, and then hacked into the comm. channels.
Next one,
Quote:
his dual SMGs for purple rifle
they had never seen a Covenant Carbine before, so to them it was just a purple rifle. The reason he switched them was because his SMGs were out of ammo. Next question,
Quote:
They were being fired upon by a high-speed plasma turret from the Covenant-Warthog.
Same thing as the Carbine, they had never seen a Spectre before. Last question,
Quote:
I searching the mainframe now
Yeah, that one was not really a question, but you just pointing out one of my spelling mistakes. To tell the truth, I didn't get to proofread this one. I had to leave school to go home, and just decided to go ahead and submit it. As for the next story, it...will...be...LARGE! I'll try and take my time with it. It just seems to me that I have a responsibility to you is all. Smile
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry that I couldn't flesh out my last post. I was on my mom's work computer and had to run, and didn't want to type that all out again at home.

For escarpment, good word. Learned something new today. At first I thought that it was just a misspelling of embankment, but now that I realize it's not there's no real problem there.

The thing about S.o.T.o.F is that, I think it'd be better that they said the whole thing out AT LEAST once, just so everyone knows what it means.

The SMG thing was to point out the lack of "a" between '...SMGs' and 'for purple rifle.'

Covenant-Warthog...eh...you can do better. When I hear Covenant warthog I just think a warthog with a plasma turret on the back. While I knew what you meant, it just seemed like that could have been described more clearly.

And the last one was just another mistake as well.

There, my reasonings. Smile
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mainevent wrote:
The thing about S.o.T.o.F is that, I think it'd be better that they said the whole thing out AT LEAST once, just so everyone knows what it means.
I mentioned what it was in the first part of the series, and figured people would remember what it was, but I guess I forgot about the people who didn't read the entire series. S.o.T.o.F. stands for Spartan Training Facility. I just abbreviated it so that it would be easier to type out. I'll try to mention the whole name of an abbreviation suh as this one at least once in my following stories so that people know what it is.
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