HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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The Battle of New York
Posted by alexxx
23 February 2006, 10:41 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=alexxx0223062241161.html

Imperorator_Jon · Member Joined: 29 Oct 2005 Posts: 97 Location: Moop?

I skimmed and it seems pretty good. Thats all there really is to say. Honestly.

8/10 pretty good

Matthiasthe14th · Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 8:07 am Post subject:

I like it, Alexxx, I really do. Your use of adjectives and plot were very good.

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:53 am Post subject:

I disagree.

First off, you needed the Code. Look at it when you submit another story.

Lack of detail shot you down. 'The white elite turned' is not very descriptive, and will make you a target for MCC's Death Review Ray (10+ Paragraphs...Haha, it's a joke!). I would of written like this: 'The Elite, the one who wore the dented and dusted white metallic armour, turned his head to face him, his eyes dark and cold, blah blah' you know?

Write out numbers: 1, no; One, yes

I really don't think a Spartan, a Special Forces expert who in reality is very few in numbers, would lead one SQUAD of ODSTS, honestly.

In battle scenes, where you shot down the Phantom, you could of described it a hellva lot better. That's as far as I got, I was a little fed up with the way it went.

Overall, C. Not the worse, not the best either. Good luck next time.
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