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The Battle of New York

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 5:05 pm    Post subject: The Battle of New York Reply with quote

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The Battle of New York
Posted by alexxx
23 February 2006, 10:41 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=alexxx0223062241161.html
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Imperorator_Jon
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Joined: 29 Oct 2005
Posts: 97
Location: Moop?

PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 10:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I skimmed and it seems pretty good. Thats all there really is to say. Honestly.


8/10 pretty good
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Matthiasthe14th
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Joined: 25 Dec 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 8:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it, Alexxx, I really do. Your use of adjectives and plot were very good.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I disagree.

First off, you needed the Code. Look at it when you submit another story.

Lack of detail shot you down. 'The white elite turned' is not very descriptive, and will make you a target for MCC's Death Review Ray (10+ Paragraphs...Haha, it's a joke!). I would of written like this: 'The Elite, the one who wore the dented and dusted white metallic armour, turned his head to face him, his eyes dark and cold, blah blah' you know?

Write out numbers: 1, no; One, yes

I really don't think a Spartan, a Special Forces expert who in reality is very few in numbers, would lead one SQUAD of ODSTS, honestly.

In battle scenes, where you shot down the Phantom, you could of described it a hellva lot better. That's as far as I got, I was a little fed up with the way it went.

Overall, C. Not the worse, not the best either. Good luck next time.
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Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures
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