HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

A new Breed of Spartan:Chapter 2: Off the Beaten Path
Posted by Forerunner's Advocate (sttrooper87100@yahoo.com)
4 October 2004, 4:22 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=forerunners_.1004041622552.html

Forerunner's Advocate · Member Joined: 25 Sep 2004 Posts: 8 Location: My Computer

I am not sure why but my first part to this story was not posted so i will have to post it today. Sorry my computer gave me a load of trouble until i downloaded fire fox.

Thanks alot.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Pretty good. An improvement on your last. I see you gained some code skills, as well as poper paragraphing. I was a tad confused at first about where this started up, because of the lack of a chapter 1, but like you said, it must not have posted. I think I get the drift from your old chap 1 though.
Now, you don't have to put dots after abreviations. (ie- U.N.S.C., just write UNSC, people like that better, plus, it looks better. I don't write U.S.A. very often just USA or US of A.)
Watch grammartical issues. I noticed you said "the Spartan-117" in there. Just say "the Spartan" or "Spartain-117" not both. Watch where you capitalize as well. Proper nowns need to be started in caps (ie-Covenant).
Try to work on repedetiveness as well. You used the name "Lance" in just about every dialogue piece that was said by him. Use a different term like his rank or last name. Just add some variety, same goes for John. Use his rank, name, and what he is (a Spartan).
Numbers. It's good that you spelled them out, but put dashes in between them so we know its a single number next time.
Now, also, I think you could use a bit more detail. Generally, you were okay, but it could have use a little more descriptive and expanitory details; plus just a tiny bit more of the more general stuff. Remember, you want to show us what is going on, not try to tell us.
Also, MC sounded okay, but somehow a little off. Maybe a little too talkative? I'm not sure, just tweek him a little.
About the Hunters, the back is good, but the neck and stomach work as well if they are relaxed. Just a personal quip. Also, I think those are called hollow-point, not ballistic.

Overall, it was pretty good. Watch spelling and other small issues. This was a good addition to the series. Just keep up the work and continue to practice.
_________________
-MCC

Swift'n'Painful · Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2004 2:01 pm Post subject:

Liked it, and I look forward to reading the first part of the story that didn't post. When I first started reading it, I was like, when did this all happen?, but then I read the post you made about it and I was like ohhhhhh, that's why it seemed like you just started typing it without telling us what happened previously.