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The Project - Chapter 1: And their name was Ach Barrow

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 5:32 am    Post subject: The Project - Chapter 1: And their name was Ach Barrow Reply with quote

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The Project - Chapter 1: And their name was Ach Barrow
Posted by stan (stantrl@gmail.com)
13 February 2006, 6:26 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=stan0213060626001.html
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stan
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 3:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story is my tenth fan fic so please let me know what you think.


Thanks.
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LordsFire
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 11:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well; you kind of need to work on your sentence and paragraph breaks, the story really doesn't have a whole lot of flow to it. I know that it is suppossed to be confusing, but it does not also have to have a sort of blocky senstation to it.

Try thinking of your writing as all being dialogue of some sort, and if your own cadence of speech comes into it, it should come out much more smoothly.
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stan
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2006 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a suggestion you hear a lot around here "too blocky, break it up" and while in some cases blockiness is certainly a problem, I don't think that it is neccessarily a bad thing and I don't think it applies here.

I don't agree that this story doesn't flow well. I think it flows just fine. This chapter is mainly just Lordsly explaining the deal to Hanson. You say allow my own cadence of speech to enter into my writing, and things will go more smoothly. But how can I do that if it's not I speaking, but Lordsly? I can't help it if Lordsly is sometimes a little wordy, or if sometimes his speeches are constructed strangely. That's just the way he talks.

Thanks for the suggestion though.
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Imperorator_Jon
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Imperorator is back my friends! Now for the story, LordsFire, the story is one of the best I have read in a long time. The characters are well thought up, the origionality is pretty good, although the marines in the novel, The Flood, captured about 3 grunts and an elite though...... Still amazing though. All in all:

Point rating system: 10/10
New Rating System Cool Razz Smile
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LordsFire
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not drawing issue with character construction or with a particular character's speech patterns, I'm saying that it is a rough read. Maybe it is just rough to me, but if you go read something by Kathryne_Charles, JillyBean, or Chuckles, you'll probably agree that they suck you in, while in this story the writing style seems more like it slows you down.

Again, that might be due to my particular tastes in storytelling; but you asked for feedback, and I'm giving it.
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stan
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree that other stories might seem more readable, but I think that most of those stories are just in a different style than mine; they're filled with action whereas mine has no action whatsoever. Like I mentioned earlier, this chapter is really just a description; first a description of Hanson's state of mind and an explanation why he might be feeling as he is, second the installation he finds himself in, and third the project he has been chosen to work on described by way of Lordsly's speeches. Whether or not I needed to write this in the manner I chose I guess is the question, but I think that necessarily it's going to read a little differently than a story consisting almost entirely of action sequences.

In any case, I'll have the second chapter out probably in the next update, so if you can bear with it for one more installment, you might find some more actually going on, and maybe that will make it more enjoyable.

And as for your comments signore Imperorator, I hope that the next installment warrants the same (much appreciated) praise you've given this one.

Thanks guys.
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Dagorath
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 12:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, stan. I liked this story: don't listen to them! The plot was great: who would have imagined having to share a home with a Grunt? This has great potential.

Remember to proof-read. There were some capitalizations that were off. But I liked Lordsly. He's the sort of guy you would want to slap on the face, and I think you capture his speech very well. Bring it on!
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