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Cardinal Sins: Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:39 am    Post subject: Cardinal Sins: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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Cardinal Sins: Chapter 2
Posted by Arthur Wellesley (arthur_wellesly@hotmail.com)
10 February 2006, 4:04 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Arthur_Welle0210060404091.html
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?

PostPosted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 3:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*stomps down on the tumbleweed crushing it*

Sorry I missed this one Arthur. I will get right now.

I promise I will comment soon.

Caleb
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 1:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really do hate asking for reviews... but there is no real point in submitting here on out since I know no one would want to read four or five chapters back to start commenting. Lord knows I wouldn't.

Anywho, I would appreciate a comment. If not, I'll start afresh with something new.

- Arthur
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
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Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 9:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
More striking to Michael than this blatant unwillingness to see the truth was how normal society seemed to be functioning amidst this terror and corruption.

And a bit later, you wrote:
People content to live within their safe little bubbles, not questioning the sudden restriction of common freedoms out of fear for the perceived threat of violent revolution.


I liked that. Very true, in more ways than one.

You wrote:
The woman, however, held up a restraining hand to him. "Michael, let me make something very clear to you. Right now, you have two choices, and only two: either you hear me out, and find out what is really going on, or you walk out that door."


Two choices as in, the red pill or the blue pill? Heh, sorry, couldn't help it. Smile

You wrote:
"I'm very sorry, Ms. Bishop,"


I do believe that's supposed to be Mrs. Bishop. I wouldn't have normally pointed out a small mistake like this, but because you had just described how she was still his husband, and not a widow, a mistake like this can be more confusing.

Otherwise, overall this was excellent. Good plot progression, and I can feel this building into a great story. The characters were all done very well, and your D&D was great. Also, it looks like you PR'd this extensively, and I didn't find a load of errors that might otherwise taint some great writing.

In your first chapter's comments, you wrote:
Thanks a lot for the comment, russ. However, since I doubt people will go back and read my last three installments, plus a new one, there seems little point in continuing. This is one for the dumpsters, I'm afraid.


You've got to be kidding me, Art. If you stop writing every time things seem to be going slow, you're never going to break out of the pack of inspired writers. I think you've got a great writing future ahead of you, but stopping what you start now will inhibit--at the very least--that future. Remember the last series you stopped to start this one? I do, and I remember saying something to the effect of "you'd better finish this one, then."

Don't let me down.

-Russ
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Wellington
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahaha, alright, I guess I'll continue for a time.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2006 5:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's more like it. Wink

If you don't feel motivated to actually finish writing this series out in length, at least make sure you end it somehow, even if certain ends are left open. The point is to get in a habit of finishing what you start, regardless of any external circumstances, and if that means your story won't turn out how you originally planned, then that's something you'll have to live with. But by all means, finish it one way or another.

I look forward to Chapter Three.

-R
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