HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Shades of Gray
Posted by Mainevent
3 February 2006, 4:45 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mainevent0203060445451.html

Wellington · Member Joined: 30 Sep 2005 Posts: 110 Location: Canada

I was unable to read the first installment when it came out, so I'll comment on both here.

I thought the first chapter was excellent. It was very stylized and it worked beautifully. The conversation with the daughter was a particularly nice touch, conveying the innocence of the child with the grizzly work of a hitman in the same moment. The mysterious phone call was also great, and sent chills up my spine when his daughter began to open the package. Lastly, the hospital scene showed Black's primal grief very believeably.

I have only one complaint about the first chapter. You described the explosion as throwing him back "twenty meters" and, more pointedly, said that windows blew out for a city block. Now, even though I now know this guy's a pseudo-Spartan, a blast like that would not only rip the limbs off an elephant but would burn flesh all to hell.

Anyway, it is not really that important given the quality, so I'll move on to part two.

Ah! The plot thickens! I love a good espionage story - almost as much as I love a good revenge story Very Happy

. I thought the attempted assassination bit was very slick, plus the steakout of the poor sap after he followed him. Especially noteworthy of this section was the detail. The marina and its surroundings were beautifully described.

The interrogation scene was quite good, though I thought maybe the agent's terror could have been better described in the narrative outside the dialogue. Overall, though, it was a great scene, and the revelations were compelling and unique. I'll have to see where you're taking this one.

Great job.

- Arthur

Mainevent · Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 10:00 pm Post subject:

Thanks a lot Arthur.

The explosion thing I think I might have overdone a bit, but I did want to get the point across that he is more than a normal man without directly stating such.

As for the terror, I probably should have worked a bit harder on it. I've been kinda sitting on this story for two weeks, and school's been killing me, so it probably got a bit rushed in the whole thing.

And I'm glad you liked the description, because I tried to put a bit more into this series than maybe I have in priors. I have a fairly good idea of where this is going, and hopefully everyone will like the ending.

This place seems DEAD lately.

Radont · Member Joined: 21 Jul 2005 Posts: 36 Location: Michigan

I find the best pieces of writing are ones that have characters that I care about. This was no exception. I especialy like agent Petrovoitz, I hope plays some role later on. I hated him at first for trying to kill Black but by the end of the iterrogation I was sympathetic. It takes talent to do that and talent is something you have in spades. Keep it up.

Chuckles · Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 10:34 am Post subject:

Excellent story. I am really liking this plot and style. I assume that you'll be explaining how a grown man could be drafted into the Spartans (I suspect it has something to do with a project codenamed ORION) and I'll wait patiently to find out.

This chapter seemed a bit choppy, and that is odd for you. I don't know whether it was too many short sentences or just awkard sentence structure, but I did not feel the flow in this chapter that I did in the first. That said, my eyes were still glued to the monitor from start to finish. Absolutely gripping story-telling.

C.T. Clown

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 4:24 am Post subject:

Good read, like the first chapter, reminded me of the Bourne trilogy, is that weird? Keep writing.

krazykorean4 · Member Joined: 29 May 2005 Posts: 7

I'm really starting to like this series. The interrogation reminded me of Michael Madsan torturing the cop in Resevior Dogs. I`ll be waiting for the next chapter.

Nick Kang · Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 8:12 pm Post subject:

My only complaint for the whole chapter is that the beginning was kinda confusing. Other than, a complete masterpiece. Black seemed cool, calm, and professional. I love the military slang you included, and the way that it's set in the Halo universe yet written like an old 70's mystery novel.

Keep it up, and I will read.
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